It’s not beyond the realm of Terminal Context to stoop this low. After all, our Trump assassination sweepstakes is still very much open, but here’s the thing.
Isn’t mugwumping a song by Chumbawamba? It’s not even British vernacular, Johnson, you floppy-fringed piss biscuit. I’d have thought with your Rule Britannia, fuck the EU, Brexit pomping stance you would want to appeal to the common British person on the street? No? Or are you just another smug, manipulative careerist who stuck his head so far up his own arse because he loves to watch his own tongue flapping? Yes.
Boris Johnson has recently come out in support of his darling Mrs. May by calling the leader of the opposition a “Mugwump”. A mutton-headed one, no less.
Yeah, I had to google it too, because it’s such a posh cunt thing to say. Or ‘creative’ as the Telegraph called it, though the most creative thing about that organ is the number of ways its owners, the Barclay brothers, have pissed off the locals of Sark.
Apparently mugwump is from an Algonquian Native American term meaning ‘great chief’, but in this context it is probably used in its North American slang form meaning someone who is aloof and considers themselves above party politics. Unless, of course, dear Boris is giving us a coded message about what people behind the scenes really think of Corbyn’s leadership abilities given that he’s survived more assassination attempts than Fidel fucking Castro.
Firstly – before I get on to the good bit – is that such a bad thing when party politics has been ravaging this country like a horny dog on viagra for fucking decades? Someone who says “Actually, let’s put this petty shit aside for a minute and consider the issues.” That’s a breath of air so fresh Gordon Ramsey’d bollock you for it being undercooked. Being above party politics in this day and age is a fucking badge of endorsement.
But here’s what you wanted, and this is a hail to that bag of bollocks, the gallivanting, turdbrained, foul arse-boil Boris Johnson. Mate, if you’re trying to brown-nose your baneful, right-wing gaggle, swollen with nationalism and drunk on post-Imperial bluster, use some Anglo-Saxon, son.
Who the fuck does this man think he is? Riding on his bike looking like a fucking dildo with a manufacturing error and flapping his gob with the grace of a high-pressure, arsecheek-rippling fart and still thinking he’s well placed to insult others.
The thing is, I’m not against a bit of flashy vocabulary, and I’m not anti-intellectual. I’m a writer. I’m a poet at heart. Playful use of language is up there with magic mushrooms and orgasms. It’s masturbation. Clever use of language nobody else knows makes you a wanker. I make no bones about the fact that when I’m using my big or obscure words I’m being a flashy bastard.
You see, any ponce with a bonce can befuddle others with their sesquipidalian loquacity. Or to de-Boris that, any old cunt can seem clever chatting too much shit using big words. Russell Brand tries to do it, for fuck’s sake! He’s about as legitimate an intellectual as those billowy-trouser wearing hippies who claim a healthy diet of marijuana and flax seed can cure cancer. It’s being smart enough to know those words and not have to use them (you know, so everyone can understand you!) that’s the trick. A clever man has a big vocabulary, a wise one doesn’t need to use it. It’s a bit shitty, a bit exclusive, high and mighty, aloof even – one could say, Boris, you seem like a bit of a fucking pseud and a – dare I say it – mugwump.
But I wouldn’t call you that. I’d call you the cuntiest cunt in all cuntdom. I’d call you a man-titted prick features. You’re a pug-faced piss licker. You look like a penis accidently born with legs. You’re the Channel 5 documentary of politics, a deformed unfortunate who people just love to gawp at pretending to care when they just want to laugh at you. You look like someone shoved a shit wig on their unwiped arsehole and gave it a name. You’re a poster child for the pillaging of the NHS under tory rule because your mum’s doctors were so overworked and underpaid when you were born they threw away the infant and kept the fucking afterbirth. You’ve got the fashion and style of a bargain-basement nightclub Trump impersonator. Politically you’re the equivalent of a flake of dried cum left on your inner thigh, sure it was fun getting it there but ultimately it’s lazy and irresponsible not to clean it up and dispose of it as soon as possible. There are people with major spinal injuries who stand up better than your policies. You’re like drunkenly trawling liveleak, you think it’ll be funny until you end up feeling sick and faithless in humanity. You’re the fucking twitter debate of intellectuals. I put the recent rise in space exploration down to your popularity because truly smart people don’t want to live on the same fucking planet as you. Elon Musk only called his company SpaceX so you’d think you’d fucked it already and leave him alone. Given your penchant for knocking up your mistresses the only thing with less integrity than you is your condom brand. Your dick’s so overused, dirty and polluting they call it ‘fossil fuels’. You make the Profumo affair look like Songs of fucking Praise. You’re so fucking daft and insecure you threw public money at the garden bridge because you thought someone told you to “Grow a pear!”. You’re such a corrupt twat when you were Mayor of London there was a brown envelope shortage. You’ve handed out more bungs than a fucking chemistry teacher. You’ve done so many under-the-table favours for your scummy friends they call you Monica Lewinsky behind your fucking back. Sue me, jizz-for-brains. What will you get? Fuck all, because I’ve got about as much in assets as you’ve got in common sense and dignity.
Here, Boris, you like classics so you’ll love this one. What do the ancient Greeks and the tories have in common? They’re both outdated and want to fuck your kids over education.
How many Boris Johnsons does it take to screw in a lightbulb? I wouldn’t bring more than one or they’ll run off and screw everything else as well. Just make sure the electricity is on so when he screws the lightbulb he gets a shock to the cock so fucking big it might just defibrillate his dead fucking heart.
What’s the difference between The Roman Empire and Boris Johnson? It took a complicated series of events to bring down the Roman Empire but Boris Johnson’ll go down for anyone in a skirt.
You see, there’s still some creative stuff in there, but most literate people can understand what I’m saying. Just in case they can’t, I’ll sum it up for them. Boris Johnson is a cunt.
A man who does not speak plainly is a man who disguises lies. Boris Johnson is a liar. And a cunt.
I get it, some people like him because he seems ‘different’. But make no mistake he’s cut from the same cunt’s cloth as the rest of the people you hate, and worse. He’s the stained corner of that cloth where everyone wiped their cocks once they were done fucking you over a barrel. He’s a bargeful of bloody bastard and his cult of personality has to end because he’s actually harmful to our nation’s already floundering reputation. He’s the Boaty McBoatface of political popularity. He’s a shit joke taken too far.
A bit like this article.
The thing is I’m sick and tired of our politicians snidely sniping at one another with pathetic insults. If you’re going to go at it, go at it. Otherwise shut the fuck up and debate policy. I don’t want to see politicians calling each other mugwumps because it’s so sanitised, so media-friendly, such a publicity stunt. If you truly don’t like each other, show it. Stop pretending to be respectable, you’re in the government that’s kicking disabled people to death, blaming the unemployed for the stagnation of the job market, shovelling benefits claimants off the books by saying they’re ’employed’ when they’re on zero hours contracts and still need benefits, lying about that to suggest employment figures are better than ever, robbing pensioners to pay for nuclear fucking missiles, eating schools and playing fields alive and selling the shitty husks to huge, private trusts or property developers so they can redigest the children of this nation and pricing the lower classes out of housing and then not building affordable homes for them. Your policy decisions are directly implicated in the deaths of many innocent disabled people, not as a matter of opinion, but according to the findings of a fucking UN investigation. You’re literally murderers. It’s dishonest to be so fucking twee, Boris, you cunt.
Special thanks to the word ‘cunt’ – The tireless work she put in to this article is much appreciated. If you are offended by any of the language in this article you are free to send a complaint addressed:
Why I’m a mugwump loving Cunt,
Eat Shit Towers,
69 Fuck Off Road,