Here at Terminal Context we like to think we have our finger on major geopolitical issues and the last time our journalists saw a United States President with such disapproval within the US political and intelligence community it was 1963 and that man had a little accident.
From upsetting his own scientific agencies by basically saying that their years of training, research and pawing through data is completely invalid because his hair gives him the magic ability to know exactly how the universe works at all times, through his public support of torture (A move sure to upset the CIA, not because they don’t like torture, but because they don’t want you knowing about it), his tyrannical sacking of the attorney general (only done once before, by a pre-impeachment Nixon at the height of the Watergate scandal) for questioning the consitutional legality of his executive order, all the way to his love-in with his pal Vladdy over in the Neo-USSR, Trump is causing concern.
There is the suggestion, founded or otherwise, that a politically ill-equipped, gobby isolationist businessman who wants America to shut its doors, stop interfering in international affairs and buddy up with Russia, is somewhat of a liability. We cannot make a judgement on this, but again, the last time there was a brash, opinionated President who wanted less American interference abroad, to seek closer ties with Russia, and follow his own rules against all advice from the politico-military-industrial establishment, his wife ended up picking up his brain from the back of the Presidential car.
So, Terminal Context are having a competition. We are presuming an accident at some point in the next four years, so the ‘if’ is taken care of. Where we want you to get involved is to speculate the ‘when’ and ‘how’.
For example, will Donald Trump be murdered in a bloody revolution of the previously maligned ‘special snowflake’ liberals who, until now had apparently been nothing but a shower of feckless whinging ‘cucks’ who couldn’t hurt a fly but are now, miraculously, a savage group of violent revolutionaries out to destroy American Democracy by otherthrowing a surprisingly undemocratic President to restore democracy.
Will a lone nut gunman take care of business from the third floor of the Trump Book Depository before he is controversially disposed of by a nightclub owner?
Maybe it will be something as simple as a ‘heart attack’, definitely not caused by clandestine CIA drugs or poisons, or a plane crash that has literally nothing to do, at all, with any form of sabotage.
Get in touch, either in the comments or @TerminalContext on Twitter and tell us when and how Donald Trump will have his ‘accident’ or, most likely, get in touch to bombard us with messages about how we’re positively terrible people for even allowing this article to exist.
Those who come closest to the actual answer will get an all-expenses paid trip to beautiful Guantanamo Bay, Cuba courtesy of the United States Secret Service where they can enjoy all the benefits of their exclusive ‘Patsy’ package. You can have fun taking part in their nightly pop-quiz game ‘Interrogation’, where you can win the ability to keep your own thumbs or not have your genitals hooked up to a car battery. Perhaps you will partake in their sexy costume parties, with plenty of opportunities to meet the fascinating staff, and get your photo taken with them while you wear your fetching orange jumpsuit, possibly while you get urinated on (Just ask for the Trump Special)! Or maybe you just want to relax in their electroshocktherapy spa, or indulge in an exhilarating spot of waterboarding. The activities are endless!
Terms and Conditions:
- Excludes employees of the international military intelligence community, including but not limited to MI5, MI6, GRU, FSB, SVR, MAD, Mossad, MSS, 3PLA, GIP, ISI, CIA, NSA, FBI or United States Secret Service.
- Only ‘accidents’ caused by third parties will count, anyone involved in the conspiracy is barred from entering the competition.
- The prize is non-guaranteed; we reserve the right to refuse to offer the prize for any reason.
- By entering the competition you are agreeing that you are a terrible human being who would revel in the suffering and potential murder of another human being – you scumbag.
- But we forgive you.
Legal Disclaimer: Terminal Context in no way encourage or support political assassination of any sort, but if someone does set Trump on fire we’re not rushing with our dicks out to piss on him. Unless we’ve been drinking nothing but aviation fuel for a week, in which case we might consider it. This article is satirical and in no way intended as an incitement to, or indicator of ideations toward, assassinating the United States President.