New University Rankings – The Top Ten World Universities

By Ed Duke & Kay Shaun

The new university rankings are out and, everywhere in the world, upper middle class academics are using them to compare themselves to their peers in the hope of gaining some semblance of superiority over someone for some reason. Such is the competitive world of academia, where one must be the first to the party, at the best university, where you’ll be late for lectures.

There have been some interesting changes this year, as the University of Little Hope finds itself catapulted into the top 10 after languishing very low down for some time. Their turnaround has been inspired by their research into the propensity for drinking craft beers in bearded populations.

For the first time in a long time the illustrious Bridgeford University beats out American big boys The Massachusetts Institute of iPhone Lectures and The California College of Dudebros.

There has been a little mixing in the middle of the pack too, so without further ado let us list the top ten world universities.

  1. Bridgeford University

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    The Grand Hall of Bridgeford’s Chastity College, where students must pledge celibacy in exchange for their education.

Home of our history professor, Sir Anthony Henry Bull, and one of the oldest education establishments in the world, all set in the picturesque and pedestrian friendly town of Bridgeford. This amazing university has bested their stateside rivals to top spot for the first time in 9 years. Thanks to pioneering research, exceptional teaching staff and an awful lot of very rich people, Bridgeford stands alone as the world’s greatest educational establishment. (Maybe next time don’t write with Bull looking over your shoulder – Ed)

  1. The California College of Dudebros.

An unashamedly American university, you’ve seen the varsity jackets, you’ve watched “American Education” on TMZ, if you missed that you caught Smart Dumbasses on ITV2 – They are basically a walking billboard of contemporary Americana with a lab full of eggheads underneath ploughing out research.

  1. Escortford University

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    Escortford University students have recently been accussed of being Massachusetts Institute synth replicants. But we can see here they are clearly normal people.

Always a frontrunner, Escortford has been churning out high quality research for decades. In psychological circles it is top of the pack and has been for nearly 50 years and the age of the Escortford Prison Experiment and other studies into obedience and the crippling, monstrous elements of human nature. Not as brash as the California College of Dudebros and nowhere near as Nerd-and-Proud as the Massachusetts Institute of iPhone Lectures, Escortford is rewarded for its humility with a place in the top 3.

  1. Oxcamb University

Long time rivals of Bridgeford University famous for an annual boat race where a bunch of posh people race a stretch of the River Chames (pronounced KEMS) and attempt to get the most points, awarded for mercilessly beating waterfowl to death. It is truly a must-see event. Their staff are no less distinguished than Bridgeford but Oxcamb have fallen away from their near rivals in recent years, particularly since it was revealed that their research powerhouse student ‘Jules McBusted’ was a robot from the future making it all up.

  1. The Massachusetts Institute of iPhone Lectures

Anyone who has played Fallout 4 knows The Institute, and it was actually based upon this very university. The university also sued Bethesda, the makers of Fallout 4, for revealing details of their secret synth replicant robot production facilities and plans to purge the world of human evil using them. As much renowned for their nerdy reputation as the California College of Dudebros is known for their jocky reputation, you may have seen them on TV in Dumb Smartasses on ITV2.

  1. The University of Manchester

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    University of Manchester’s secret, subterranean labs are in the sewers beneath the city. There, the physics department performs research on nuclear and biological abominations – who can usually be found shopping at Affleck’s. And graphene, never forget graphene.

I’m fairly certain they are only here because Professor Brian Cox fingered one of the judges in the bike sheds by the Schuster Building. He didn’t even buy her an Archies burger afterwards, the classless cad! They do have an excellent museum, though.

  1. Kington University

The former Princeton University has sadly not seen much improvement in the league table despite its coronation two years ago. Perhaps the affairs of state have got too much for the poor thing and, what with being a monarch, has lost sight of the research and student experience that is so important for a university to get a good ranking. Whilst still a top notch university, they would have hoped to have done better in the rankings.

  1. Empire College, London

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    The chancellor of Empire College, Cockney Lord Vader of Darthshire

When the Star Wars themed university opened in London in 1986 nobody truly believed they had a chance of any sustained success. They underestimated the power of the force! Recruiting only the finest students to ensure that not only can the Empire always strike back, but they can do so with gusto, Empire university is a new educational powerhouse. Their ranking is aided by their incredible research into planetoid space vehicles with huge death rays on them. They have also mastered many electronic disciplines including, but not exclusively, shooting lightning out of their fingers. Keep your eyes peeled, these guys are on a quest for galactic domination.

  1. The Institute of Technological Greatness, Switzerland

Established with funds we are not allowed to say were Nazi gold in 1950, the ITG has been involved with some of the biggest projects in world physics, skiing and chocolate manufacture since 1960. They have now built a reputation as one of the cleanest, politest, almost creepily sterile universities in the world and with a near infinite stash of not Nazi gold to keep funding the place, there is no reason they cannot go from strength to strength.

  1. The University of Little Hope

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    The University of Little Hope building, ‘Hopeless Hall’.

Here’s the Rocky story, here’s the underdog tale. Little hope is a tiny town in the outback of Western Australia. The town only got broadband in 2012, so their university’s rise to the upper echelons of education has surprised many. It only has a faculty size of about 6, and a student size of about 36 but their research and student experience has been considered, hands down, the best there is. Most famously they recently published research that suggested men with well groomed beards are more likely to buy craft beers, but their research goes deeper than that. Their biology department has come up with a cure of sadness, an elixir of youth and a means to genetically engineer weird new animals. Their physics department have written papers detailing how Einstein was wrong and everything is made of tiny, one-dimensional, oscillating cats – all proven to be true by experiment. Their psychology department has literally decrypted the human brain and their English Literature department actually knows the secret meta-subplot of every ghost-written, so-called ‘Katie Price’ novel (hint: It’s about a secret government plot to subjugate the nation’s youth with dumb books). The place is producing genius after genius and it is all thanks to their elusive Dean Exblurgn ‘the alien’ Thomas, who is an alien.

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