By Sir Anthony Henry Bull
On This Day – 21st September
Hello so-called ‘Termites’ and welcome to my new, regular segment. Every Wednesday I shall be bringing you stories on what has occurred, historically speaking, on that date in history.
For today, the 21st of September, I bring a remarkable story of love, lust and the brutal misappropriation of genitalia.
On this day, in 1463, Granadan explorer Ibn Al-Nasri, arrived at the Pacific Island paradise of Kololulu. The first western explorer to do so. However he soon found himself embroiled in an odd situation.
You see, as part of his initiation into the Puku tribe’s inner sanctum, he would be made to make love to a native lady. This was a traditional custom for outsiders that had gone on for centuries with no problems. That was, until the brave Granadans arrived and decided that forcing a man to have sex was just wrong.
Especially so since his entire crew knew Al-Nasri was, on the flaming scale, an inferno of homosexuality, and had taken a liking to the village chief, Halako. Given the strong condemnation of homosexuality in Islam, and Al-Nasri’s Granadan crew being muslim, he must have been a man of great power and influence at the time for it to be forgiven. Later in his life he was forced to live in exile with British expats in Malaga. He would describe them in his journal as “about as welcome as a hot, spicy stew in the midday sun.”
Whilst Al-Nasri’s crew was fine with his sexuality the islanders were less so, and so Rodriguez succumbed to their pleas in order to maintain a mutually beneficial relationship. The islands were treacherous and having native guides and contacts was vital to help them explore, establish colonies and exploit resources.
Al-Nasri would later receive a visitor. It was Halako. They conversed at length, shared a few lagas (the local tipple) and ended up in a passionate embrace. Unbeknownst to everyone, Halako was a homosexual too. However, their love remained unconsummated. Halako explained that it is a Puku belief that any man who succumbs to homosexual feelings is damning the island to volcanic eruptions, tsunamis and a vaguely unpleasant smell drifting across the ocean. It is amazing what these primitive cultures believe.
Fast forward a couple of years and as Al-Nasri is sitting by the port in Malaga one day he receives a package. Inside is a rather beautifully decorated and magnificently proportioned phallus, preserved in a particularly striking tree resin varnish.
It was Halako’s, who, before passing away, had made the declaration that if his wives had had his manhood in life, it should be his lover in absentia, Ibn Al-Nasri, who should have it eternally.
Quite what Al-Nasri got up to with this preserved member is unknown, as his diaries ‘Remarks of a Granadan at Sea for the Purpose of Journaling Interactions with Native Cultures and Generally Having Something to do Because Telly Is Not a Thing Yet’ (the source of the aforementioned story) do not go into detail.
However the object itself is part of the Pioneers Collection at The International Museum for Naughty Nautical History in Brighton. Their display of lewd pictures collected from mates’ cabins over the years is a delightful look at the history of erotica.
Not that I enjoy that sort of thing except as an exercise in history, you beastly perverts!
But that is all for now. I have been Sir Anthony Henry Bull. Join me next Wednesday for another ‘On This Day’.