By Jen Eric
The media is in frenzy today after Susan, a 42 year old hairdresser from Yarmouth, announced her intention to divorce Dave, 53, an electrician from Bristol. They have been together for over a decade but married for only about 4 years.
Dave and Susan met in the queue at Morrison’s, where Dave was buying meat and Susan, potatoes. Dave suggested maybe they could put them together and make a meal. Conversation ensued and Dave and Susan hit it off. It was controversial as Dave was betrothed to national sweetheart Lucy from accounts at Juno, Bumper and Hashtag, the financial firm and hotdog sausage manufacturer.
This was not the relationship’s only up-and-down moment, of course. Dave and Susan once famously had a falling out after a bout of gastric flu left Susan looking particularly desiccated. Susan believed her skinny new frame was attractive. It caused tension for a while but they soon settled their differences.
Dave and Susan were darlings of the media, by which we mean local community paper The Bristol Inquisitor, particularly for their adoption of approximately 13,000 children from the Third World. They were given the portmanteau ‘Dusan’ to aptly name their coupling.
Dusan’s relationship started to sour, however, especially after Susan got Dave into am-dram and they starred in the play ‘By the Sea’ together. It was described as a ‘bloated mess of vanity’ by the Bristol Inquisitor and ‘worserer than bad cartoons’ by five-year-old Steven Mayhew, who saw the play and wrote about it on his blog ‘kidopinions’.
Whatever their reasons for this split, we will be wholeheartedly airing their request for privacy for the sake of themselves and their 13,003 children whilst encouraging paparazzi by buying their photos of the pair looking scruffy or miserable.