By Sonny Weathers
What could be the hottest September for 50 years has sparked warnings from Public Health England, as well as a huge tide of despair and apathy as they know they will be ignored.
The warm spell has been caused by disruption of the jet stream by The Hurricanes, the animated football team with champion spirit that’s here to stay. Public Health England have a duty to issue advice to people on how to cope with the hot weather, but there is concern for the agency after the somewhat resigned and cynical tone in their latest bulletin, reproduced in full below.
Public Health England
Advice for the Heatwave
Due to unseasonably warm weather, we are obligated to issue you fools with the following advice.
IT’S GONNA BE HOT
So don’t do dumb stuff like go hiking all day with no water, or swim without suncream for hours – which you will because you always bloody well do, no matter what we say.
AVOID THE PEAK HOURS
Try to remain indoors or in shade between 11am and 3pm, which you won’t, will you? No, you’ll find every excuse you can to go out there and bake. Mad dogs and Englishmen and all that.
That means water. Sitting around on the grass in the local square quaffing vin rouge is a very good way to get dehydrated and a very, very bad headache. Use some bloody common sense.
KEEP AN EYE ON THE YOUNG, ELDERLY AND VULNERABLE
Which will be difficult for you to do when you leave them locked in your closed car while you nip for a BBQ down the beach with your mates, you pricks.
TRY NOT TO COMPARE THE TEMPERATURE IN YOUR LOCATION TO THAT OF OTHERS
For example, “London will be hotter than Bombay” or “Kidderminster is expected to have higher temperatures than Ibiza.” It just glamorises heat and makes people more likely to go out and do all the other dumb stuff they do.
Or don’t, you grotesque lobster hued virus. Maybe ignore us and watch as your delicate moles swell into metastatic melanomas.
DON’T OBSESS ABOUT HISTORICAL RECORDS
It really won’t help you in this weather. I mean, really, take a break, get a cool drink, pat your head with a wet flannel and stop telling us when the last time it was this hot was.
TRY NOT TO ENJOY YOURSELF
Having fun is the number one cause of heat related health problems and injuries. Just stop it. We don’t get to enjoy ourselves, so why should you.