Sports Direct ‘Like Victorian Workhouse’

By Polly Tariat

Sports Direct is under fire today after making all of their staff dress – and work – like 19th century workhouse workers.

A new investigation into the company has revealed shocking scenes of grimy men in flatcaps flirting with scruffy-haired maidens in dirty petticoats. Small boys crawling amidst the machinery pulling out little bits of Donnay trainer to make sure the wheels of industry keep turning and worse, of so much worse, they were all speaking like Charles Dickens novels.

“This is simply unacceptable,” said John Business, the Secretary of Business with the government’s department of business, “Mike Ashley has missed a cash grab here. He could open his factory up as a workhouse museum and make the money from his products as well as his attraction.”

“He could even get the visitors to chip in, get a bit of free labour!” added Culture Secretary John Culture.

John Primeminister, the Prime Minister was less than enthused by the idea. “It is not the job of this conservative government to promote a neu-feudalistic ideal, with lives dominated by work among the poorer classes and that work being used to fuel the excesses of the classes above. If that’s what we had wanted we would have been doing everything in our power to undermine worker’s rights, like allowing zero-hours contracts, using the term ‘living wage’ to lie about an increased minimum wage, have that increased minimum wage still have people slaves to in-work benefits, solve this problem by cutting in-work benefits, encourage punitive measures to assist the unemployed back to work and maybe even do something ridiculous like not listen to doctors about how best to look after patients even though they are doctors and work doing doctor things and we are politicians which means we squabble petulantly and sign treaties and laws.”

The investigation into Sports Direct continues.

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