Elon Musk unveils Master Plan

By Reé Porter

Elon Musk has announced his ‘master plan’ at a conference today, and it was stuff to do with solar powered homes and monetised cars, which is all rather boring. So Terminal Context has gone deep with their investigation by studying the patterns of Musk and his business. We really wanted to dig up and the dirt and find out his true, sordid motivations but came to the conclusion that he’s one cool, mad, science-and-tech dude. So, in the spirit of the press and to never be deterred, we came up with a better, evil villain oriented master plan for Mr. Musk.

Elon Musk’s Master Plan begins on a quiet evening in Washington D.C. – as Elon casually hands over a thick, brown-paper envelope to the presidential candidate most easily bent to his will. Hillary, obviously. His numerous failed business ventures show that Trump clearly has little regard for money over vanity. Hillary, on the other hand, is corruptible with cash. So, Musk bankrolls Hillary Clinton’s presidential election campaign. Step one.

Step two involves the usurpation of the means of production of money. In a sort of reverse quantitative easing, Musk will slowly strangle the money supply. The opposite of inflation, deflation, occurs. The value of American goods and services goes down, not just domestically but internationally. Suddenly the value of the dollar and its use as a reserve currency for other nations diminishes. Musk will recommend his cryptocurrency replacement – Muskoin. Dollars and cents will still be used for regular purchases and transactions, but the security and strength of the Muskoin currency will mean all large trades and banking businesses is done in the currency. Muskoin becomes the new reserve currency. However, Elon stores his Musk Corporation’s wealth in valuable assets such as food, fuel and property. Step two complete.

Step three requires continued discouragement of the use of dollars. Musk will continue to strangle the supply and cash will get scarce. Suddenly people don’t have the money for a loaf of bread anymore. Mr. Musk will advise President Clinton to put out an announcement recommending people barter and trade their own goods and services in exchange for small items. He is establishing the world’s largest barter economy – an economy where everyday transactions do not require cash.

Step four, and Mr. Musk has begun to crash the world economy. The effect on the dollar has destabilised markets the world over. With the dollar now dead, Elon begins chatting with all the other big economies, encouraging their large transactions to be done in Muskoin, and a barter economy for smaller purchases. The whole world begins to adopt the new US economic model.

Besides a few hiccups, this is all working fine. It was all part of the Musk plan. A few outbreaks of disorder happen, a few pockets of privilege cause class clashes. However, it soon evens out as those with more wealth very quickly find they have to distribute it to teachers, doctors, lawyers, gardeners, cleaners, and the various service staff they utilise day by day to get things done. Money no longer acquires more money in this economy, so wealth is hard-earned or fleeting.

Step five – By doing transactions and dealing with all of the major world corporations in a post-Muskonmics world, Elon knows all their production methods and trade secrets. The Musk Corporation is now the biggest conglomerate on the planet, controlling all transactions. But transactions aren’t enough for Elon, so he moves to step six.

Step six and Musk deliberately sabotages Muskoin. All balances are wiped, all transactions null and void and suddenly share prices plummet. With no capital, the businesses are worth only the sum of their tangible assets. The Musk Corporation is the world’s largest economy, and the only business with enough clout to buy out the failing companies. Musk lets the banking system die, and buys only the means of production.

Step seven, and Elon Musk is now de facto leader of the world. All food, products and services used in the world are now controlled by Elon Musk and The Musk Corporation. Money is a thing of the past, but since Musk the Merciful needs people for a functioning economy, he ensures they are provided for – so long as they cooperate. Small fragments of the old world pop up in the wilderness from time to time, but these primitives, forging their small metal discs and promissory notes do not spread resistance. In fact, their petty tribal squabbles and greed make them exterminate themselves. Everyone who operates functionally and fulfils a role in Muskland, or who is too vulnerable to care for themselves, is provided for. Sharing, caring, fairness and equality increase.

Elon Musk does not worry about how much money his corporation has, rather how many people against how much production. The world becomes increasingly aware of how limited resources are, but Musk controls all. People happily change their consumption habits, but supermarkets and stores change their production habits to. There is less packaging, local economies are encouraged more, recycling and upcycling are so common that the average person can take two old bicycle tyres, a drink can, a hat and a dinosaur toy and turn it into a wankel engine.

The limited resources may be a problem, but Elon Musk has such a weight of talent at his disposal the best scientists and engineers in the world are gathered under his wing to come up with practical solutions. Before you know it, the Earth is operating at a level of efficiency previously unseen, as well as exploring parts of space previously thought impossible. This was step seven.

Those scientists continue working, and biology becomes the main field of interest. Before long, the bio team have come up with an effective means of prolonging life and youth, extending human life spans into thousands of years – step eight, while his engineers have built spacecraft that run on nothing but wishes and can travel faster than light – step nine.

With the biologists now capable of living with peak cognitive faculty for thousands of years, they begin to crack mysteries thought unsolvable. Death is a plague of the past, teleportation becomes real and time travel becomes but a child’s toy.

The final step, step 10 – Elon Musk leads us into glory as a race of immortal genius space Gods!

But, we find out we have to go back in time and perform genetic engineering experiments on apes in order to set the human race on this path.

Thus, Elon Musk is actually God.

…Damnit Elon! Even your evil genius plans are benevolent and amazing!

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