By Bill Weathers
As car tyres melt into stinking puddles on the pavement, and small, desiccated children flake in the mild breeze, their dried flesh reduced to dust via nothing but the power of the sun’s rays, you would be forgiven for thinking it is hot. It is. Well done for noticing.
It is, after all, the hottest day ever. Scientists and meteorologists have figured out that the searing heat in the UK today is even hotter than Venus. Yes, the Venusian winter is right now projected a still balmy 450 degrees Celsius (about 720 Kelvin) but here on Earth it’s 452 degrees. Yes, forget ‘London to be hotter than Ibiza’, forget ‘Manchester basks in temperatures hotter than Barcelona’, and who cares about ‘Ipswich bathing in temperatures hotter than Oman’! Those other headlines are small potatoes (likely boiled in their own skins today). The UK is now hotter than a notoriously hot planet.
Ten Things To Do To Keep Safe In This Hot Weather
10. Drink plenty, it will make you feel slightly more comfortable as you evaporate.
9. Absolutely no sex unless you want to form a melted amorphous couple blob.
8. Wear sunscreen, it will stop your skin burning as you slowly desiccate.
7. Be sure to closely monitor your pets, vulnerable or elderly. If they are browning on the outside and their juices run clear, they are safe to eat.
6. Saline solution and hard work are the only ways to get melted human stains out of your couch.
5. Avoid direct exposure to sunlight, particularly during the middle of the day, or you will spontaneously combust into a weird conscious flame plasma-beast.
4. If you are lucky enough to ignite into a conscious flame plasma-beast, don’t piss around pretending to be a ghost, it is not cool.
3. Shade is important, but don’t wear a hat they keep bursting into flames.
2. The same is true of sunglasses, they will just melt into your eyes.
1. Move to Venus, it’s cooler.
It’s not all good news, though. The amazing simulation of how it feels inside a Tefal Actifry is only set to last a few more days, before cooler temperatures and cloud sweep in. So get out there and enjoy the weather while you can.