Theresa May’s Cabinet Reshuffle in Full

By Ike Ear

The new Prime Minister of Great Britain, Theresa May, has been doing as all new leaders do and reshuffling things.

The tradition of the cabinet reshuffle sees a complete change in the furniture at Downing Street and, in incredibly extreme cases, even among civil servants in Whitehall. We take a look at Theresa May’s top reshufflings.

1 – The old Bookcase

The bookcase in number 10 Downing Street has been a fixture since Lord Toby Shallashatry, the former minister for decorating and home improvements, had it installed in 1927. However, it is believed Theresa May does not like it much because of a likeness to Queen Elizabeth the Queen Mother in the grain of the wood.

She is replacing the bookcase with a Spϋntl bookshelf from Ikea, available for £129.98.

2 – The rattan garden furniture.

Rattan was popular for a time, but has since fallen out of favour owing to how difficult it is to clean bird poo out of the weave. As such, Theresa is ditching the old patio furniture and replacing it with a clean, stainless steel set. The clinical look is sure to please departing health secretary Jeremy Hunt and should make cleaning and maintenance much easier.

3 – The Thick Wooden Doorstop

Downing Street’s doorstops are a thing of wonder, essentially just large, heavy and wooden. They have been replaced by Philip Hammond, who fulfils much the same role.

4 – The dress cabinet

The only actual cabinet in the cabinet reshuffle, the dress cabinet from the bedroom at Number 10 is being replaced with a more modern walk-in wardrobe to suit glamorous Theresa’s exceptional array of trouser suits, including a fetching number from tax-dodging, unpaid-intern abuser and off-the-scale-hypocrite fashion designer Vivienne Westwood.

And finally;

5 – The multiple ornamental sexy pig statues.

A recent addition to the decor at Number 10, Theresa rightly feels these are inappropriate and disgusting and that David Cameron should be ashamed of himself. She will replace them instead with specially commissioned statuettes of Andrea Leadsom crying and running away.

Those are the main hirings and firings, but there is also the shufflings. The downstairs sideboard has been moved to the upstairs passage, where it will be used to store documents. Bedside tables have been replaced with slightly more austere shelf units and the secret cupboard under the stairs that Tony Blair had installed to hide his guilt will now be converted into a Jacuzzi and sauna room on the recommendations of The Chilcot Report.

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