By Ed Op
Look at the news in the UK today and you would be forgiven for thinking that the House of Commons is undergoing some sort of Twilight Zone plot of regression. Angela Eagle is skipping around the place and delivering a speech that looks more like she’s releasing a perfume for Breast Cancer than it does a serious political campaign, Owen Smith is riding his bike really, really fast and about to fall off, but it’s okay because he will unite everyone, by which he means unite them in hate for Jeremy Corbyn, the unpopular kid, and over in the posh kids clique you do not even want to know what they are doing, just know Theresa May, the dinner lady, sorted it all out and it was quite satisfying seeing Johnson get a bloody nose. It’s a damn primary school.
I think what we need to realise is that this is not unusual. Whilst there is a thin veneer of respectability over the profession, be honest, we all know politicians as those dummy-spitting, obnoxiously opinionated, squirmy, lying, cheating, thieving, expenses scamming, boundaries of decency pushing, drug snorting, escort visiting secretary fuckers. They were never respectable.
People are saying that things have declined or things are worse now than they were. No, for normal people things are worse now. An emboldened class of bigoted hatebags now feel it’s okay to shout “Paki bitch!” at anyone with a light tan on their skin, and brush past Eastern European migrants telling them they all have to fuck off now, because that’s what you voted for. For us, for the normies, this is not business as usual, it’s a descent into some made isolationist racist rogue state. For the politicians, there are exactly as daft, adversarial, short-sighted, ignorant, invested in their parties more than the people, clueless as to how to deal with it and irritatingly megalomaniacal as ever. It’s just they are showing it to the public more.
People are saying it is a bit like ‘Game of Thrones’ but unlike apparently everyone else I have never seen ‘Game of Thrones’ and can only assume most of it involves people squabbling with one another about ideas or numbers on long, green benches. But that comparison raises the issue of how unreal this world seems to us. The politicians we have chosen to represent us and our interests in this country’s parliament are becoming increasingly alien. It’s not ‘Game of Thrones’ we’re seeing, it’s ‘The X-Files’.
The Conservative Party are basically the aliens, epitomised by Jacob Rees-Mogg, with his clearly fake name, his alien-factory manufactured slipper face and that unearthly way he talks. The Conservatives have no understanding of what it is to be human and live in a strange idyll where trickledown economics works because people aren’t greedy pricks, and whether it works or not is irrelevant anyway because we praise lord Economy. They abhor humanity and human weakness and seek to exploit people by lining them up in batteries like hens and forcing them to work until GDP goes up. These are the bad guys.
Labour, meanwhile, are a clandestine agency with links to the government. You may have to bear with me on this one, this is the agency embroiled in all the confusing conspiracy. They are in a sad state of affairs where their leader is the single most popular party leader in their history among the membership, but he is irritating in that he rarely lies and tries to conduct himself in an honest fashion. They don’t like this so their shadowy cabal is trying to have him assassinated, but are finding it difficult because they’re all so damn inept. They are not sure whether they want to shed their image of the party of the working classes, or keep it, as left-wing politics takes on a new face to the one it had in the past. Nowadays it’s all rights for jumpers and hummus eating contests, whereas it used to be steak and ale pies and a pint of mild down the social club. Some in the Labour Party want to go back to the pie and pint, but the pie and pint people think brown people with funny accents are the cause of all the world’s, and their own personal, problems, which most people rightly think just isn’t on, and is xenophobic, which is Greek for scared of aliens. Despite this, they are busy fighting amongst themselves instead of fighting the alien allied Conservative Party.
I told you it gets weird. So, instead of issuing an actual challenge to the leader they seek to depose, they just kept badgering him like those talentless bullies at school who couldn’t come up with good insults so just used to repeat swear words at you hoping for a reaction.
“You’re shit, Jeremy. Quit, Jeremy. We don’t like you, shitface. Oi, you shit. You’re shit. You shitty shitter. Why don’t you shit off? Shit for brains. Are you going to resign yet, shitbag? How come you’re so shit? Is it because your shit mum shagged your shit dad and gave birth to a shit in the toilet and that shit was you and you’re shit and you should resign, Jeremy!” They said, endlessly, without issuing a challenge.
Then, Angela Eagle stepped up, because she thinks the best way to reunite the party and draw back those Sun-reading, arsecrack flashing, feckless bigots is for a middle-aged lesbian to pink-wash everything. Then someone called Owen Smith said a thing, but nobody really knows who he is so he won’t win.
Meanwhile, this Labour Party agency that is supposed to be tackling the aliens is still ignoring the Conservative Party, who are the aliens. Essentially this too makes them the bad guys.
Then we have some smaller parties. The Liberal Democrat party is sort of like the Lone Gunmen. That clique of nerdy hackers who always seemed to know what was going on but never really did anything about it besides wrapping their BT Homehubs in tin-foil. They have a history of blunders, not least that time when they promised everyone the world and gave us only an alien-led Conservative government that ripped the country to shreds. These guys are definitely bad guys.
UKIP were a sort of Conservative Party splinter cell that rebelled against their alien masters because those aliens wanted to stay on Earth and be part of a whole community whilst UKIP wanted to fly off to a magic isolationist space cube where it is the early 70s forever. We happen to like showers, iPhones and internet pornography so these guys are bad guys too.
And then there’s the Green Party, the protest group who managed to grab a thin sliver of power. Nobody really knows what they are about because most of the time they are trying to convince people to recycle potato skins. Not really bad guys, but not exactly good guys either. They try their best but don’t really get a lot done.
This is the tangled web as it has been weaved and we are the FBI agents Mulder and Scully. The truth, we know, is out there, but we have to trawl through the flesh-eating virus press, or the cryptic and ancient secret documents called ‘manifestos’, or heavily prepared speeches by inhuman mutants and aliens, furiously ripping fact from ideologically spun fiction, to try to find it. Coddled somewhere amidst their Holy sermons and apocryphal documents and pamphlets is something closely resembling truth but then you think you finally find it and – BOOM – Prime Minister’s resigned. Now we’ve got someone new we need to investigate and break down.
Is it any wonder engagement is low? Is it any wonder many feel politics is just not worth their time and they’d much rather invest in the goings on in television shows or celebrity lives instead? It is any wonder 12 million people did not participate in the farce that was the EU referendum, or that somewhere between 30 and 40% of the electorate have not participated in general elections in the last 15 years? Political ideas have been oversimplified whilst politics itself has been overcomplicated, and regardless of which side you choose, you are on the side of the damn bad guys!
And we haven’t even touched on the Majestic 12 that is the House of Lords yet. Ooh, boy.