Pokémon GO Replaces Porn as Pokésexuality Increases

By Per Van Ert

According to Google, more people are now searching for ‘Pokémon GO’ than are searching for ‘porn’, meaning one thing and one thing only. People are now jacking and jilling to Pokémon.

For the uninitiated, Pokémon is a video game franchise that sees pre-pubescent children thrust out into the big wide world on their own with nothing but some small, violent, fighting monsters for company. They must collect more of these monsters to protect them from other monsters and unscrupulous individuals who will mercilessly beat them and their monsters into submission if they are not strong enough.

Pokémon GO is a mobile game whereby people wander around the real world and find these monsters stood outside Greggs having a steak bake, dancing in a nightclub or queuing at the Post Office.

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Some Pokésexuals have taken to distributing sexy pictures on cards to one another. Trading them like schoolkids with porno tapes.

However, the recent news from Google is disturbing as it seems to imply that people’s natural sexuality is being usurped by a strange virtual bestiality. Instead of healthily sitting around with their computers and devices checking out boobs and balls they are eying up Jynx like a piece of meat and trying to take a peek at Pikachu.

“There’s just something so gloriously phallic about an Ekans,” said one user who wished to remain anonymous, “and Diglett looks like a dildo, and Starmie is a butthole – It’s all so damn horny.” At this point I had to cut the interview short as the gentleman was touching himself inappropriately.

Nintendo has been unavailable for comment on the issue, presumably attempting to assuage their guilt at creating such a bestial and disgusting sex phenomenon.

“I could hear strange noises coming from my daughter’s room,” said one concerned mother, “when I went to inspect, I caught her masturbating to a Squirtle. It was just there, on her phone, gushing and gushing.” She has since set up the support group Mothers Against Overt Pokésexuality.

It is not the first time Pokémon has met with controversy. Christian groups have long campaigned against the franchise for being demonic and PETA famously took umbrage with what they perceived as support for animal abuse.

Not everyone has a problem with this new sexual preference, however. Sam Kilbane from Darwin, Australia, the chairman of PokéPride – the Pokémon sexuality support group, wants to work towards a world that is tolerant of Pokésexuals.

“I don’t see why we should have less right to our personal, sexual business than anyone else. We are not harming anyone, we are just people who are sexually attracted to cartoony monsters with powerful abilities.” He said.

Where this is going, nobody knows. But what I hope we can all agree upon is we would all do Gardevoir.

Lead Image courtesy of Pokemon.com and used under fair use policy

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