Pokémon GO Still Not Released in UK – Here’s Why!

By Kat Chemmel

A lot of the rest of the world has already been afforded the opportunity to be the very best, like no one ever was. Their test? Their real test? To catch ‘em all. I am, of course, talking about the planet-sweeping craze that is Pokémon GO which allows users to catch Pokémon, or pocket monsters, whilst on the go via a mobile app.

For many this is the mountaintop, this is the summit, the peak of human gaming achievement. To be a real life Pokémon master. However, those of us in the UK have to watch all you Professor Oaks and Ash Ketchums go on your PokéQuests while we are left out. Many have searched for the reasons for this. The common theory right now is that the sheer number of users has been a bit of a surprise for Nintendo so they have had to stagger their release. But why, then, deprive the UK?

We at Terminal Context have the answer. You see, the young and young-at-heart of the UK are already desperately walking the streets, with their android and iOS devices in hand, searching for something. They are busy hunting their future, and opportunity.

The recent EU referendum vote, whether you agree with the outcome or not, has created a power vacuum and such petty political squabbling that many young now feel hopeless. It was bad enough before the referendum, with zero hours contracts at companies who shirk tax responsibilities by filtering money through parent companies in tax havens, increased use of food banks, increased homelessness and a creeping to-the-point-of-crisis youth unemployment and underengagement. Since the referendum it seems to have only gotten worse. The young and idealistic of the UK do not have time to hunt for Pikachu and company as they need to get busy hunting for jobs, for security, for stability, opportunity, and that rarest of legendaries, a politician with dignity.

Imagine wandering down a country lane, walking through some tall grass, when – shock!

A wild Cameron appears!
Wild Cameron used EUROSCEPTIC APPEASING REFERENDUM. It’s super-effective.
Wild Cameron was hit with recoil.
Wild Cameron fainted.

You take a few more steps.

A Wild opportunity appears!
You used GRAB
Your attack missed.
The Wild opportunity ran away.

And then you walk a bit further, oh no!

A Wild Farage appears!
You used SHUN. It’s not very effective.
Farage used ANTI-MIGRANT RHETORIC. It’s super effective!
You were badly poisoned!
You were hurt by poison.
You fainted.
You are out of fucks to give.
You blacked out.

You scurried to the nearest NHS hospital.

“Hello, I’m Nurse Joy. I have been working for fourteen hours straight and have cleaned up more sick than you see at an illegal rave in Thetford Forest. First, let’s restore your Pokémon. Oh, this isn’t Pokémon, it’s real life? Sorry, I’m so tired I’m delirious. Let’s restore you. If you could just wait in A&E for six hours for me, a doctor will be right with you. We apologise for the delays in your service, unfortunately our service has been overrun and beaten into submission by wild politicians.”

You see, UK folks! The whole country is a damn Pokémon game if you want it to be.

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