British Gas Offering ‘Free’ Electricity

By Bernard Powers

Price gouging energy supplier British Gas is set to start a scheme that could see many people getting 8 hours free electricity at the weekend. We have been assured by their department of marketing and blatant lies that this is not a publicity stunt, or any indicator that along with their bumper 31% profit increase to £574m, they are charging too much for their energy.

“I know what some cynics out there will say,” said director William Briggs, bathing in rare wild tapir milk and scrubbing himself with a 24ct gold loofah, “but we are dealing with higher gas prices, even though prices fell, and investing in green technology that we are not investing that much in, and a volatile, competitive market. This is in no way a marketing ploy to make ourselves look better, we are being genuinely philanthropic.”

“Yes, well it’s not really free is it?” asked Michael Kallikutty, “We’ve been overpaying British Gas for years. This is not free electricity, this is owed electricity, and it is quite frankly appalling that only a handful of customers will see the benefits of it.”

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British Gas’ attempt at a wireless electricity network ended up causing £2.4bn of damage and killed thirteen people, after causing heavy lightning storms.

The ‘free’ electricity is only being offered to customers on a new smart-meter, approximately 2 million customers. They will get to choose whether their electricity will be free 9am-5pm Saturday or Sunday. Other independent energy advisers are also warning customers that the tariff providing the free electricity may not necessarily be the best one.

Harriet Spendthrift, of consumer magazine ‘What!?’ said, “It’s like loss-leading at a supermarket. You offer something really cheap or, in this case, free, to draw people in to a system that is still going to make you money. In a supermarket, maybe they grab the free sandwich and also buy a drink or a basket of other goods. In this case you can bet the small print gouges those eight hours of leccy right out of you.”

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A new smart meter. A metre long ruler that has been genetically engineered in the lab to have the intelligence of a dog.

There are numerous competing adages with regards to gifting procedure. Whilst one should ‘never look a gift horse in the mouth’ we do have to ‘beware of Greeks bearing gifts’ particularly when those gifts are horses, since that expression relates to the incident of the Trojan horse. As far as business goes, we advise you always beware of gifts, and look those horses in the mouth at all times to ensure there is not a battalion of small print hidden inside ready to overrun your finances

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