By Esteemed Prince George of The United Kingdom
A study from the Office of National Statistics has revealed that the UK has overtaken Nigeria as the centre of online scams for the first time in recent history.
Nigeria has become well known for their often amusing email scams where someone claims to be a Prince or politician and say they have some money in hold and if you give them money they will give you back more money, because they just randomly get in touch with you instead of getting a loan from someone they know.
It is believed that worries about the economy following the recent EU referendum vote has led to this spike in cybercrime. Police are currently investigating the scams, however everyone is using Tor which obviously makes it impossible for them to be caught, ever.
The emails have been sent to more stable and prosperous countries than the UK, such as Nigeria, Loas and Syria. As yet it is uncertain if anyone has been scammed.
Example of the Type of Email
How’s things? I’m dat nutter Prince Charlie the Prince of Whales, and I’ve a bit of a to-do going on. You see, there’s dis money, right, you know what I mean, and it’s all in storage – some Big Yellow Storage fucking thing I expect. Anyway, they’re holding on to it for some fucking reason and won’t let the money be released to my account at all and it won’t be released until you give ’em like, five-thou squid.
I’m an honest and trustable man, seriously, look at my missus, would a dishonest man shag such an ugly bird? It’s true, I’m legit mate, swear down on me mum’s life. So I promise if you get me the £5,000 and your bank account details, right, there’ll be like….£18,000,0000,00000,000000,000,00,000 in your account in like a week or something.
I’m, like, a well honest Christian and that. Promise. Me mum’s the head of a whole church, which I think means she invented God. So, like, you know you can trust me, you know what I mean? Because no one has ever robbed someone else in the name of Jesus, have they?
Cheers blud, I know you’ll do the right thing.
Esteemed Nutter and Price of Whales Prince Charles ‘Charlie’ Royal
Police are advising recipients of any similar messages to get in touch as they would really like that £18,000,0000,00000,000000,000,00,000. Silly police.
Terminal Context advise anyone who recieves a message like this to troll the hell out of the scally scam artist perpetrating it by, perhaps, sending them heavy boxes with too little postage paid, or convincing them to chase an invisible suitcase of money across Africa.