By Professor Lord ‘Lad Loving’ Lord – Chief Science Writer and Gay Man
Today, straight men around the world affirmed their right to compliment other men on their clothing without fear of seeming gay on Heterosexual Pride Day. Unlike Pride festivals, which are traditionally spread out over months and take place in major cities, straight pride festivals are far smaller – such as Great Snoring’s very first straight pride event, which your correspondent attended.
Though people have been staying in and around Great Snoring in preparation for Heterosexual Pride Day, the straight pride festival was still quite small. A hundred or so people marched awkwardly in the rain before the parade was stopped by a policeman tenderly proposing a divorce with his soon-to-be ex-wife. Unfortunately, the gesture was not at all well-received, descending into a shouting match in the street before the organisers quietly ushered the marchers to various stalls.
“We just wanted this event to be quiet and reserved,” said organiser Terry Bull, who decided to set up a straight pride festival after seeing the outpouring of support from heterosexuals worldwide. “Don’t get me wrong, we’ve got nothing against those gay people being flamboyant, but they’re just a bit loud. Do they have to shove it in your face like that? And we thought, well, let’s try and be a bit polite about this whole thing and make it a nice experience for everyone. I’m actually quite pleased with the turnout – I never thought there would be this many people.”
So what does straight pride mean to heterosexuals? “The right to argue about the furnishings in our house,” local couple Dan and Sue Shiggins told your correspondent. “It’s been a really important part of our marriage. You know, I don’t think we would still be together after 20 years if we didn’t row every time we looked through the IKEA catalogue.”
“Trying to awkwardly turn down dinner party invitations,” said local resident Helen Waite. “Everyone knows that at some point someone gets too drunk and makes a scene, but you still keep getting invited anyway.”
“Showing the feminazis and SJWs that they’re a joke,” Ashley Hull, self-identified crusader against political correctness and amateur obnoxious tweeter explained. “You see gay people everywhere these days. Why do they need a special Pride? We should be able to have one too without people complaining that we’re homophobic or transphobic. Triggered yet?” Your correspondent’s attempts to explain the existence of straight feminists were met with silence and Mr Hull muttering something about your correspondent being a “cuck”. “In fact, I specially went and ordered these cakes from a gay baker to trigger him,” he said, unceremoniously dumping a slice of sponge cake into your correspondent’s hands.
Your correspondent personally found the cake delicious and tracked down the baker, who was born and brought up in nearby Little Snoring. “Of course I knew the cakes were being made for a straight pride parade,” said Tom Quier, who owns his family business and lives with his husband, “but I think it’s funny that they’d try to offend me. I’m just a simple baker and I really don’t care what these people do as long as they’re not hurting anyone. If I refused this order, I’d feel like I was just as bad as the straight people who discriminate against gay customers – and besides, the economy being what it is, I don’t think it’s wise to turn down such a big order just because I might not agree with what the customers do in their private lives.”
Other LGBTQ+ people may disagree. “I, Celestia Moonchild, a vegan by the way, am deeply offended by this straight pride festival,” the journalist and commentator told your correspondent upon his return to the Terminal Context office. “Pride is a way for gender and sexual minorities to assert our right to exist. Straight cis people have always been told that they’re normal. They don’t need to assert their right to exist, because the media presents their relationships as perfectly natural. Why can’t they let us have Pride?”
“Honestly, I just laughed,” said bisexual rights activist Noah Pinion. “I know a lot of people are angry about this, and a lot of people are still angry and scared after Orlando. I can understand that. But a lot of the arseholes who make straight pride events nasty are driven by the desire to get reactions out of us and the best way to get rid of them is by laughing at them. Look at this straight pride – it was a shambles, a couple of hundred people, fighting, awkwardness and even the baker taking the piss. There’s a lot to laugh at here and there’s a lot to laugh at in anyone who makes a fool of themselves to try and offend people. So let’s laugh – the world needs it.”