By Danny Hunter – Chief Football Writer
With Euro 2016 in full swing, Copa America just finished and the new Premier League season creeping up on us surprisingly quickly, the rumour mill is in full grind as it churns out delicious transfer flour to make loaves of…This metaphor is going nowhere, here are your latest transfer rumours.
Liverpool look to sign Harake M’Borne – M’Borne is the pacey African wonderkid who is all set to light a fire under the Premier League, hence his valuation of £70m. However, by the time he plays for Liverpool he will be a sorry and unsettled striker whose pace causes clumsiness and they will sell him within two seasons for 20p and some buttons.
Everton’s Romelu Lukaku begs to leave – As he has been doing every day for the last three years, Lukaku is attempting to manufacture a move away from Goodison so that he can sit on the bench and screw up vital penalties like what happened last time he was at a supposedly big club.
Zlatan Ibrahimovic to sign Manchester United – The footballing force that is Zlatan has still not announced where he is to play next, but given that he is always bigger than the club he needs somewhere with prestige but on hard times, thus we expect he will sign Manchester United some time soon. No, not ‘sign for’ – Zlatan signs the club to play for him, Zlatan does not play for the club.
Christiano Ronaldo to Folkestone Invicta – Their Promotion from Isthmian League Division One South to Isthmian League Premier Division has sparked the ambition of this Kentish club and an equally ambitious offer of £20 and a packet of pork scratchings for Christiano Ronaldo has been made. Ronaldo is believed to be a massive lover of pork scratchings and so this could be the key negotiating point.
Chelsea to utilise youth talent – HAHA! Just kidding. They’ll sign a bunch of foreigners like they always do.
Arsenal are to spend a record amount of money – HAHA! Got you again! The real rumour is that the tight-fisted London club steal all their sandwiches for executive events from the bins behind Waitrose.
UK sport watching public seeks transfer of Michael Owen to maximum security prison – We at Terminal Context love Michael Owen for his exciting tone of voice and insightful punditry, so this comes as a surprise to us and is in no way related to our “Piss Off, Owen 2016” campaign.
Transfer rumours pages to be full of fake rumours – Nope, they won’t. Our sources are solid. Man by the bikerack, Dave from the pub, Alan the bloke in the hardware store and Harry Redknapp are all reliable sources.
Tim Sherwood and Steve McClaren change theme on managerial merry-go-round – Tired of listening to the same old tune, rumours abound that Sherwood and McClaren have installed some kind of iPod connectivity so they can play their own tunes as they sit on there. Although, really only one of those guys deserves to be there.