By Horace Whisperer
We all know the story of ‘The Horse Whisperer’ – a stern farmhand who turns gentle and loving as he tenderly instructs a horse not to be so much of an obtuse, ill-disciplined beast. Well it has been announced that today George Osborne will be doing his best economy whispering as he desperately attempts to calm the markets as the pound continues to fall, the markets continue to panic and businesses in the UK continue to come up with Brexit contingency plans that mostly seem to involve cannonballing off Shakespeare Cliff near Dover and swimming over to France.
The chancellor, who is a man with the face of a boy or possibly a boy with the body of a man, is set to deliver his speech later today, however Terminal Context has obtained exclusive access to the written speech in full and can offer you an early glimpse at its contents. Here are the five key points in today’s speech.
1) Calm down – George’s first point is that everyone should calm down. A bit of a no brainer, really. However, the worry is that as he delivers the speech with mad, tear-filled eyes, he may not necessarily be conveying the message he is speaking.
2) Emergency economic measures – Prior to the referendum, George Osborne suggested there could be cuts and an emergency economic plan would need to be put in place. We believe that in the spirit of division, taxes on baguettes, pasta, kielbasa, paella rice and bratwurst will all be raised. The popular German supermarkets Lidl and Aldi will be forced to convert into Sainsbury’s at their own expense as well as having their business rates doubled. George Osborne will also cut spending on vital public services like modern European languages funding in schools.
3) The Pound is fine – We have revealed your personal stories about the falling pound. Ozzie will do his best to calm down the pounds to prevent further lost cash, heartache or just getting beaned in the head by a falling quid. It is estimated that pounds falling from tall buildings have caused over 2,000 injuries requiring hospitalisation. The pound is at its lowest versus the dollar since currency was invented and if things keep going as they are they will obtain negative value. This will mean when you do your shopping, the shop will pay you the money the items will cost, simply to be free of the burden of carrying all those worthless, worthless pounds. Of course, George Porgy will tell us everything is fine and it will calm the pounds down so this does not happen.
4) We’re still buddies with the EU – Given that your nearest continent is usually an exceptional trading partner, and that maintaining a good, close economic relationship with them is generally in everyone’s best interests, George will do his best to let us know we are still good neighbours. We’re good neighbours who spit on our neighbours and tell them to piss off, but we’re still good neighbours. With the nightclub-named ‘Article 50’ not having been cited yet, Britain’s official exit from the EU still has not begun and negotiating terms will be very important. Therefore it will be important for people like Osborne to toady up to Brussels so that they don’t stiff us with similar deals for trading like they did with Norway, Lichtenstein, Switzerland etc. Who all have to follow the same rules as the EU to trade, but get no say in EU Parliament.
5) We will be fine – Perhaps this will be genuine, perhaps he will be straining his abdomen with pain as he spouts the lie through gritted teeth, we don’t know. But there will be an insistence that it is all business as usual in economics and politics when actually, away from the lights and cameras and big speeches, away from the press and presentations, George Osborne is weeping into his Weetabix and wondering where it all went wrong for him.
EDIT: We must have got some bad information. Turns out George’s speech was just some bluff and bluster about how great a job he had been doing…So that’s sorted all of the uncertainty then, hasn’t it?
Remarkably Sexy Lead Image Courtesy of The UK Treasury (deceased) under Open Government 1.0 Licence Just look at him, look at his boyish face. Don’t you just want to dress him up in a flatcap and shorts and tell him to do his maths homework?