By Professor Lord Lord – Chief Science Writer
In the Perseus Arm of the Milky Way, 6,400 light years away from us, on the planet Zlxthq, an alien is photoshopping herself over a picture of our White House illuminated in rainbow colours. Smiling widely, her makeup immaculately done, she holds a sign saying “There is only one gender”.
On Earth, this would mark you out as a pacifist (or, less charitably, someone with little understanding of gender or biology). But this is Zlxthq, and the alien in question sees herself as a crusader against political correctness.
“It’s sweeping the galaxy,” says Vdfg Trjqw, a political commentator and media personality who shot to fame after her videos on GalaxyTube went viral. “It’s disgusting. We need to encourage toughness and resilience. Instead, we’re raising a generation of special snowflakes who just whine and cry. They need to grow up and grow some breasts. You need to grow up and grow some breasts.”
The Earthling reader may be extremely confused at this point, but Zlxthqites have a radically different society. Unlike Earthlings, Zlxthqites reproduce asexually and over 99% are female, so they have little concept of sexual dimorphism. While male Zlxthqites have always existed, it is only in the past few decades that men’s liberation movements have given them more representation and worked to end the historic hatred and oppression they have faced. Even today, men face huge challenges in having their gender legally recognised and sexual reproduction is frowned upon. As a man, your correspondent is regarded as a freak by most Zlxthqites.
According to Ms Trjqw, “the male gender does not exist. There’s no scientific debate about it. You’re all phenotypically female, but with deformed genitals and chromosomes. You’re women. Deal with it. Next we’ll have pussies who want to have three genders, or four genders, or all the genders at once. We have to stop this bullshit now.”
When your correspondent showed translated biology textbooks from Earth to Ms Trjqw, she was shocked. “This is political correctness gone mad!” she exclaims, shuddering. “I can’t believe men’s rights activists control your education. Look, this so-called sexual dimorphism isn’t real, it’s something freaks like you made up because the truth triggers you. If we needed two genders, we’d have evolved two genders. But we can reproduce asexually, so we only have one gender. And all this sexual reproduction propaganda going around is just pushing the male agenda. Sexual reproduction isn’t natural or necessary. Educate yourself. Watch a video on GalaxyTube.”
Ms Trjqw was not impressed when your correspondent explained that he was only able to contact her thanks to experimental wormhole technology. “It’s because you degenerates keep reproducing sexually,” she explains. “All you can think about is sex and your precious special snowflake gender identity, so you waste your time on that instead of science and look where it gets you.”
Frankly, your correspondent is quite happy to spend his time on sex instead of science if it means not having to listen to Vdfg Trjqw, the woman who makes Celestia Moonchild sound reasonable.
(CM: I, Celestia Moonchild, a vegan by the way, would like to state that I am perfectly reasonable. I will not be tone-policed by imperialist, racist cisheteropatriarchy and its apologists.)
There are others still more extreme than Ms Trjqw, and your correspondent ventured to the Outer Arm of the Milky Way to meet them.
“Vdfg Trjqw is a total and utter hypocrite and I don’t know how she got so popular,” says
¬6 G4573r, part of a gaseous alien species who float through space. “She’s a special snowflake herself, just like you and just like most of the galaxy. There are no genders. Get over it and stop trying to feel special. She’s as much of a professional victim as anyone else. Seriously, this bullshit political correctness is killing the galaxy and your gender liberation or whatever it is can piss off.” And with that, Mx G4573r vanished in a puff of irritation.
The galaxy is a much bigger and more vibrant place than your correspondent imagined, with cultures and customs beyond his wildest imaginings. In some ways it heartens him to know that we all have common failings, namely being intolerant and complaining about things outside our direct experience. Some things never change.