Knives Drawn as Labour try to Oust Corbyn

By Serchel Ist

“He’s a snake, the little git.” Said Hilary Benn crying into his bran flakes this morning, “I mean, we were all lined up to stab him in the back and he got to us first. How sneaky!”

Today, the Labour party is in crisis, though it doesn’t really need to be. As the only political party with any sort of moderacy displayed during a brutal, partisan, hyperbolic, outright lie-addled EU referendum campaign, the voice of Jeremy Corbyn for the Labour Party was the one cautious yet Remain voice. It spoke the truth. The European Union was neither a moustache twirling villain, nor some saintly Knight’s order – It is a thing that needs careful consideration and reform. But some in the labour party are displeased with this.

“How dare he make moderate messages, speak truth and get himself ignored by every media outlet only interested in soundbites, lies and sucking up to their proprietors.” Said MP Margaret Podge. “It is not the direction the labour party should be heading in, despite an awful lot of our supporters telling us it is. We need to go back to what won us elections in the past, smarmy grinning gits with their jackets slung over their shoulders telling lies.”

It is an interesting scenario for a political party with all the nous for strategy of a rat in a maze that, after taking a few corners, sits down, has a cigarette and blows its damn brains out. In the explosive aftermath of the EU referendum, both sides of the debate are shellshocked by the animosity, bluster and weight of untruths used to sway the British public – In Jeremy Corbyn there is a man whose entire image can be spun as the first honest politician. Yet they would rather civil war. They would rather a leadership contest instead of a challenge to the conservative government who can be said to have categorically failed their people.

“We will just have to wait and see.” Said Corbyn as he offered me a sandwich. His face sagging giving it the adorable demeanour of a staffy. Perhaps it is not the leader making the party look weak, but the party making the leader look weak.

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