By Professor Lord Lord – Chief Science Writer
After a spat on Twitter, the world has not come to a standstill but has in fact merrily continued messing itself up.
A Twitter user known only as Billy Bob Spongeface (@xxxB1llyB0b5p0ng3fac3xxx) devoted an entire day to posting badly-drawn memes and calling a fellow Twitter user a “loser” over the latter’s alleged “subtweeting”, or attempts at passive aggression in 140 characters or fewer. After the original poster told him to “fuck off” several hours later, he wrote an emoji-filled series of tweets complaining about “censorship” and dramatically declaring that he would quit social media.
“I can’t take the drama any more,” he said in a Direct Message to your correspondent. “I need a break. By the way, follow me on Snapchat, where I don’t have to listen to your comments.” Your correspondent also tried to contact the original poster, Jeff Letgo, but was unable to do so since Jeff had spent the day volunteering with children, thus doing something actually productive without needing to glue himself to social media.
Reactions to the news have been mixed. “You call this a news story?” says Betty Frothingham, a long-time reader. “This isn’t news! People fight on social media every day. Terminal Context’s journalism is really going downhill. Now, if you want real news, look at Demi Lovato quitting Twitter over her comments! That’s important to society as a whole! That’s what you should be reporting on!”
“Shit, this is really important,” says Neil Vasreck. “I liked and then unliked and then liked one of Billy Bob Spongeface’s tweets. What are people going to think?”
Your correspondent managed to contact the Giver of Fucks, an entity which transcends time and space, who exists to decide what is important and what is not. “I have made my judgement,” it said after hard thought. “I give a grand total of…zero fucks about this. The universe is at least 14 billion light years across. You humans are hardly meant to exist and you die so soon after you are born. You are insignificant and your spats on social media are even less significant. Enjoy your brief existence on Earth rather than staying indoors fretting over what strangers on the internet think.”
Finally, your correspondent contacted the Universe himself, who deigned to comment. “It’s all so trivial, really,” he said. “Your very existence is an accident and utterly inconsequential. You should stop worrying. Nothing you do matters anyway.”
The Universe may be a mad pseudophilosopher, but we at Terminal Context do have to admit he has a point.
Now, if you’ll excuse us, someone has insulted us on Twitter and we have some subtweeting of our own to be doing.