David Cameron Promises More Impossible Things

By Tim Possible

The recent revelation that David Cameron’s advisors told him his election promise of reducing net migration to under 100,000 was impossible has not come as a shock to Mr. Cameron himself.

“I knew all along it was impossible, I just promised it anyway. I tell people what they want to hear, they vote for me, I do what I want and the country gets what is best for it – according to me.” He told our interviewer.

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Undercover photography revealed this shocking image from a government cabinet meeting.

It comes off the back of an EU referendum littered with impossible promises, such as the Leave camp promising to pump money back in the NHS that we know full well will get spent on expensive Fortnum and Mason’s Battenbergs, high-class prostitutes and cocaine. The Remain camp has promised us World War III if Britain were to leave the EU, which the martial delusionists have taken as a promise and a reason why they should vote leave. Politicians promised a reasoned, evidence-based debate and gave us bluster and opinion while dismissing experts who gave predictions and advice on both sides. Indeed, promising the impossible is the cornerstone of Great British politics.

“That’s why,” Mr. Cameron said, “After this referendum, and should the UK continue to elect a Conservative Government, we will eradicate taxation entirely yet still keep the country going, we will stop all people around the world from moving anywhere at any time to control our borders, we will achieve the goal of immortality by 2022, all men will be able to get pregnant by 2018, we will increase research funding on underworld climate control and pledge to decrease the temperature of hell by at least 3 degrees in our bid to freeze hell, and we will definitely not abuse our expenses or get ourselves in scandals whilst still proclaiming to be the moral arbiters of this nation.”

Whether or not these hollow promises are enough to win over the electorate remains to be seen, but one thing we do know is until people stop voting for slick bastards who promise them the Earth and deliver them a pizza, the presentation of impossible promises in election campaigns will continue.

 

Lead Image Courtesy of United States State Department – Taken at the 2016 Anti-Corruption Summit in which Cameron promised to reduce corruption. This moment depicts Cameron telling U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry all about how his dad single-handedly won World War II using nothing but a shiv carved from a George VI coronation commemorative spoon, and how he used to beat up bears in his spare time. Kerry is doing his best not to fall asleep at what a boring, boring bastard David Cameron really is.

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