An open letter from Iain Duncan-Smith
Dear People of Great Britain,
When the Conservative Party orchestrated a letter full of bluff, bluster and lies apparently signed by over one hundred business leaders (mostly Tory party donors) supporting us at the last general election, British business leaders were all marvellous geniuses who knew exactly the trajectory this country should be going and they were all doing a marvellous job stimulating the economy and supporting Britain’s recovery from economic crisis.
While some of those people still are marvellous geniuses, some of them are also cowardly fools and Eurocrats who definitely don’t know anything about anything and who should all just shut up and stop disagreeing with us about this whole Leave/Remain thing. They do not know what they are talking about and are not best placed for interfering in political matters – except when it suits us.
They are all ignorant of the plight caused by the European Union on our working people, about which I am now very concerned even though I wasn’t so concerned about it when I was actively harming people when in charge of the Department for Work and Pensions. I now care about this sort of thing because my campaign manager tells me other people care about this sort of thing, and can maybe make myself out to be less of a government-mandated-suicide apologist and coverer-up of reports that suggest me and my department were complicit in punishing the poor and harassing them to foodbanks and death.
Britain can only get stronger out of the EU, because only then can the Conservatives truly set into motion a solution to the nation’s financial problems. Working closer with our partners in places such as China and India we will come up with unilateral methods by which British labour can be better utilised for the financial benefit of the few. Sorry, I meant the many. We can challenge the wishy-washy perception that Britain has ‘vulnerable’ people who need ‘protecting’ and instead encourage their strength and unity by abolishing the minimum wage, cutting benefits entirely and thus promoting a healthy working culture and meaningful competition for labour. Why any self respecting business person of Britain would disagree with this is beyond me.
So, in short, when they supported us in the general election, Britain’s business leaders were great. When they suggested the UK should remain in the EU, they were rubbish. I am definitely not a murderer, and what is best for this country is that people work hard, for little pay, to make rich people richer, so that wealth can trickle down, as has been happening without problems since the 1960s. Never forget that time when I borrowed the words of some respectable German philosophers to say that ‘work actually helps free people’. It is as true now as it was then. I am just a good, honest man. Why did my nose just grow when I said that?
Sincerely and with unkind regards you workshy son-of-a-bitch,