Vladimir Putin Says Doping Ban ‘Unfair’

By Steve Moreau

Vladimir Putin, the Russian premier immortalised at ‘Eh, Buddy’s Canadian Restaurant’ with his own Vladimir Poutine, has spoken out against the ban on Russian athletes from international events due to doping and performance enhancing substance abuse.

The ban came into effect after evidence of a culture of doping, lack of cooperation with anti-doping bodies, and the fact that people’s gonads were exploding from too much hormones.

“It is not fair. We have many clean athletes here in Russia,” the bear-riding Russian superhunk said, “We know because we made them in a laboratory. They have been genetically engineered to be in peak physical condition and to stomp all competition, but they are clean from doping and PEDs. Why should they be punished?”


Leo Crepuskov – The result of Russia’s attempt to create an actual Batman.

Boris Artifisiov is one such athlete. He is a heavyweight amateur boxer comprised of pure muscle, his arms look like sacks of eels and his black eyes carry an inhuman glaze like burnt doughnuts staring wistfully into the middle-distance. He’s more beast than man.

“That’s because we put shark genes in him.” Vladdy says proudly. “Yes, you see we discovered the secrets to altering body and behaviour via genetic manipulation. While your silly Western scientists are busy skulking around waiting for moratoria to pass, we’ve got a sharkboy.”

Boris’ teammate Anastasia Frekovskaya looks on, but her head is constantly flitting from one place to another, sharp and twitchy movements seem to fling her body around. “Our high jumper,” Putin says, “She’s mostly flea DNA. Haha! Just last week she sucked poor Sergei dry of his blood. How’s that for blood doping!”

The pride Mr. Putin has in these creations is Frankensteinic. His monstrous creations are, no doubt, innocent of blood doping. But can genetically engineered human beings, spliced up to the eyeballs with DNA from other species, be considered clean athletes?

“Yes,” says Brody Dipshit of WADA, “It’s perfectly fine for genetic factors to give athletes an unfair advantage, just not chemicals. Even if those genetic factors have been dreamed up in some secret Siberian laboratory filled with mad Russian biologists and two-headed dogs and men whose skin is chitinous and whose brains think like wolves. That is all perfectly fine.”

One thing is for sure, if Russia can get the ban lifted, this year’s Olympics will be an interesting one.


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