Tim Peake Returns to Earth – Is Disappointed

By Major Tom

There is disappointment for one particular British man today as legendary astronaut and slayer of the fell beast Archronarch (check the NASA records, it’s definitely in there – a giant, many-headed, drooling, predatory space-beast) Tim Peake has to return to Earth.

“It’s rubbish,” he said, sulking in the corner bundled up like a bindle full of a hobo’s trinkets, “up here in space everything is beautiful, we are all comrades in arms. When faced with the enormity of all creation, suddenly human squabbles don’t seem so big anymore. Now I have to go back to Earth, where people are fighting each other over football, or shooting each other indiscriminately. There’s still war on Earth for crying out loud, when we could be investing that defence budget seeing more of the majesty that is in space.”

The Skype call was amazing clear for one coming from space. The tears cascading down Tim’s face seemed to pop from my screen and splash me in the face. He has such an amazing point.

Space is big. It is impossibly big. Scientists estimate it is so big that even to think about how big it is will overload your brain with such bigness you’ll shrink yourself as a result. Ronnie Corbett was over two meters tall until he thought of how big everything was. There’s more going on out there than we will ever know, and yet here we are, glued by gravity to a planet was assume is ‘home’ and arguing over corners of it, or what people in one particular spot think, feel, vote for or believe.


See that blue ring? It’s got a tiny dot in it. That dot is Earth. We are nothing. Our squabbles meaningless, our lives fleeting, our meaning lost somewhere among the stars.

“It’s that kind of petty mindedness I do not miss when I am in space. You’re a speck, the Earth’s a speck, our solar system is a speck, the scale of the universe is so massive it even makes Kanye West’s ego look small,” Tim said, “I don’t want to go back to Earth. I don’t want to go back to Britain. I can see cloud over Britain, they’ll just be moaning about the weather, again! It never changes.”

Tim attempted to eject himself from the airlock, but one of his colleagues prevented the release. His desperation leaked out of every pore on his skin. This is a man who is tired of Earth, who has seen too much of the skies above to ever want to be grounded again.


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