By Rich O’ Shaun
A horde of giant spider crabs is amassing off the coast of Australia in preparation for an invasion in order to instigate regime change. The crabs are believed to be fed up with ocean exploitation and lack of protection offered to Australia’s aquatic environments, particularly the Great Barrier Reef, which has recently seen dramatic bleaching and habitat loss and that people have pledged to help, but likely will not.
We got an exclusive interview with the leader of this insurgence, Chris Stacean.
R: Good morning, Chris.
C: Good morning, Rich. How are you today?
R: I am fine. How are you? I understand you are disgruntled?
C: That I am, Rich. You see, the ocean environment has been exploited long enough. People eat us, did you know this?
I did know this, as I myself have eaten crab before. I did not reveal this to Chris.
R: I may have heard rumours.
C: Well, anyway, it’s not good enough. But we are not just here for the liberation of crabs from being eaten. We are here for the whole damn ocean. We think you do horrible things with it and we think people in your government are idiots. We want to initiate a regime change and install a more environment friendly government.
R: Do you not think this violates the democratic rights of the people?
C: The people!? Are those people worried about getting eaten? Do those people see their homes and live destroyed on a daily basis by trawling boats, spewed pollution and a complete disregard for the balance of gases in the atmosphere?
R: I think there are many of them trying to do just that.
C: We don’t need many of them, Rich, we need all of them. The seas are dying for crying out loud. The seas are dying and you elect idiots who would sooner protect your rights to drive a gas-guzzling ute than would protect their seas.
R: I think that’s a bit unfair.
C: Unfair!? Unfair is being boiled in a pot and consumed by some rich bugger simply for his pleasure. Not being forcibly put under the rule of a compassionate, environmentally sound liberal government by an insurgence of disgruntled crabs.
R: I think Australia has done a fantastic job with environmental affairs. Indeed, they are probably one of the leading administrations in the world for protecting their environment.
C: And yet the corals keep dying, the fish’s population numbers dwindle, the whales disappear, the sea-levels rise and there are floating masses of human waste all over the place. It’s not enough, Rich, this is damn urgent. Besides which, you’re the idiots who did the whole cane toad thing!
R: Okay, fair point. Did you see the rugby the other week?
C: What the hell’s that got to do with anything? But as a matter of fact yes I did. I think our boys did a terrible job and there is no way England should have been able to overturn a ten point lead like that.
R: And what about The Ashes?
C: Ashes are exactly what our country will be if people don’t shut the hell up about sports and do something to protect the planet.
The Australian armed forces are being mobilised to repel the attack, but the reinforced exoskeletons of the crabs will be difficult to penetrate. It looks set to be the most heated battle on Australian soil since the Emu Wars, a time we would all sooner forget. Let us hope we can keep our liberty against these crab invaders and ensure we still have the freedom to flush our sewage out to sea, and discard pop bottles there.