Osborne Warns of Brexit Cuts

By Robin Pesto

George Osborne, the barber chancellor, so called because of his propensity for cuts, has warned there may be cuts if Britain votes to leave the European Union at the upcoming referendum on 23rd June.

It is the first time Osborne has talked of cuts in such circumstances, and seems a bit of a waste of time since, given that he’s George Osborne, and he cuts more than a hyperactive sushi chef, they were assumed anyway.

“It is important for people to know that in the result of Britain voting to leave the EU, the cuts I was planning on doing anyway, with my skill at cuts like a champion Newcastle knife-fighter, will be blamed on Brexit.” He said, whilst having the scissors taken off of him by a worried looking care worker.


George Osborne’s walk in Thetford Forest ended up with it having to be named Thetford Meadow.

Unfortunately that is ‘Brexit’ the lazy journalist newspeak for ‘Britain’s Exit from the European Union’, not Brexit the breakfast cereal. That said, this is George Osborne, there has never been a chancellor in British history more likely to make budget cuts because of a cereal than George Osbone. Every time he coughs a public toilet closes.

Our resident psychologist, Dr. Aldous Head, spoke to us at length about George Osborne’s cutting habits.

“I think we have already established George has an addictive personality. His recent troubles with going into recovery to deal with a house price addiction are enough to indicate some problem. Usually a tortured soul will internalise pain, this leads to self-harming behaviours. These are normal people, obviously under extreme duress, but normal and when human beings feel like that they self harm. But we’re not dealing with human beings, we’re dealing with politicians. Unfortunately I fear George has a little narcissistic personality disorder going on, with all the nurtured sociopathy expected of a former school boarder. As a result, instead of lashing out at himself, he lashes out at the public. Instead of harming himself, he harms you. Instead of cutting himself, he cuts budgets.” He said.

It is also odd to hear George talk of budget cuts, since his Tory buddies campaigning for Britain to leave the EU suggest that should the country do so there are endless pots of gold stashed away in forgotten corners of the treasury that were previously destined for the EU. Is Osborne lying so he simply has an excuse for more cutting, or is the Leave camp lying because they could not stir up jingoistic sentiment without doing so? After June 23rd, I am sure we will find out.


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