Russia Given Suspended Europe Ban

By Phil Blanks

Russia has been banned, albeit in suspension, from Europe for their hideous displays of organised violence and invasion of various French towns with seeming paramilitary groups that are believed to be splinter cells of Russian armed forces.

“Russia’s aggression in Europe is unacceptable. From their actions in Crimea to their sending organised gangs of thugs to football tournaments. However, they do have an awful lot of natural gas. Like, really an awful lot. So, rather than completely stop dealing with them, we’re going to make a few diplomatic gestures that suggest we are dealing with the problem whilst actually we continue to have to pay a shedload of money for their natural gas.” Said Henry Pathetiqué of the French authorities.

Naturally the Russians are taking it flippantly, with that Russo-defiance so expected of their people. Minister for Sport and Culture Antonin Getsisroksov said “The so called organised gangs of thugs are simply well trained counter-terrorist agents, operating undercover. They are to make sure nothing goes wrong at this football. France had their warning with Charlie Hebdo and still they were caught with their pants down later on. We are just putting strong Russian boots on the ground to make sure our European allies are best protected.”

With regards to the suspended ban, Sergei Kikinov, a spokesperson for the Russian Football Association said “So they threaten us first, then they ban us, then they take it back because they need us, so it’s a hollow, toothless gesture just like in Ukraine. I hope the people of Europe understand when it comes to this relationship, Europe needs Russia but Russia can do perfectly fine on its own. This does not bother us.”

How can Europe deal with the problem. Well one of the proposed methods is to stop being so reliant on Russian food and energy exports. Unfortunately the governments of Europe have dealt with this by importing more food from all over the place because they’ve cleared all the agricultural fields so they can hydraulically fracture their ground inducing earthquakes to extract shale gas to replace Russian imported natural gas. Is this a sustainable model? Probably not, but who cares when there is geopolitical dick measuring to be done?


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