By Professor Lord Lord – Chief Science Writer
Have you been told that your birthday falls on the most depressing day of the year? Have you ever tried to schedule a holiday in the statistically happiest weeks? Do articles purporting that one month is scientifically the healthiest make your head spin? Maybe some research is released suggesting a formula for love or happiness?
Well, none of it matters! A new study has conclusively demonstrated that all such findings are, in the words of statistician Stanley Dard, “bullshit”. No longer a profanity, Dr. Dard successfully appealed for the word to be added to the scientific dictionary such that meaningless, nonsensical research is technically defined as ‘bullshit’.
“It’s bullshit, complete and utter bullshit”, said Dr. Dard, who led a team at the University of Nork Rise. “The units don’t make sense and the equations don’t add up.” Your correspondent originally took this to be a bad pun, but in fact a quadratic term was pulling at his trouser leg throughout the interview and refused to let go until plied with biscuit crumbs. Members of the team are still hunting for the missing units, added Dard, “not just for us, but for their own welfare – they get upset very easily, you know.” Again, your correspondent took this to be an attempt at humour, but was accosted by a rather distressed unit of time. Dr Dard managed to placate it with a clock – unfortunately, not before your correspondent sustained a rather nasty bite on the nose.
The problems with these findings, says Dard, are that “they bear no relation to reality, or even to any other ones”. He put your correspondent in touch with the Parallel Universe Project, based out of a shed in Milton Keynes, who were able to confirm this: none of the parallel universes they have studied so far have any equations for determining the happiest, healthiest or saddest time periods, for example.
So where do these equations come from? “Press releases,” said Timmy the Intern when we let him out of his cupboard. “I know, I used to write some back in the day. They actually paid me money then, you know-” before we slammed the door in his face. However, these press releases are difficult to track down and these findings are still widely treated as fact, suggesting that political black holes, such as those recently found in the Clinton residences, may be to blame.
We hope that Dr. Dard and his team receive the acclaim for their work that they deserve. Until then, keep an eye out for any stray units running around and contact the University of Nork Rise if you happen to come across them.