By Ian Ternettes
Oh hai der
A man is flailing around like Star Wars kid in a lot of trouble after having been arrested for filling his work with stolen memes. He was subpoenaed yesterday at around 4:15 PM which, as you know, is Peanut Butter Jelly Time.
It is believed he and his group of friends, named Badger, Badger, Badger, Badger, Badger, Badger, Badger, Badger, Badger, Badger, Badger, Mushroom and Mushroom, were discovered drinking in the Chocolate Rain nightclub, dancing and lip-syncing to Numa Numa. There were rumours his girlfriend was there too, but we could find no evidence so she is a ho unconfirmed.
They were quite hard to track down, however Chuck Norris (whose first roundhouse kick started the big bang and led to the creation of the universe and who is so strong when he does pushups, he’s actually pushing the Earth down) was enlisted to aid in the search and found them almost immediately.
His words upon being served the papers are, allegedly, “and boom goes the dynamite.”
The suspect used to work in the publishing industry before being dismissed for unreasonable demands such as replacing all the links on their website with links to ‘Never Gonna Give You Up’ on Youtube, teaching a cat to play the keyboard, and an almost incessant posing of the question “I can has cheezburger?” possibly due to the eating disorder known as Leeroy Jenkin’s Syndrome.
We reached out to the gentleman, who cannot be named for legal reasons, for his side of events.
“It all started when I was a kid,” he said, “and my little brother Charlie bit my finger. I screamed at him “Don’t taste me, bro!” but he did and I was never the same afterwards. He must have been radioactive or something. I went into a weird state afterwards, and asked my dad “Is this real life?” but he just laughed at me. The first time I noticed something was wrong I was with my friend Britney. People were picking on her and I just burst out in screaming tears and shouted “Leave Britney alone!” and everyone paid attention to me. I later found out it was a thing on the internet. I think my brother must have given me the power to know all memes, but with it came a compulsion to use them all of the time, even when they weren’t mine! But people noticed me, and I just wanted them to notice me, and send pie.”
Sometimes he would try to work without memes, and would find himself struggling. “Occasionally my work was good, but – it was never Kate good.” He said. He joined the Shugenheimer Home for the Aid of Ripoffs and Copycats, but found he could not get on with their recovery systems. “They were geared towards people who were just obsessed with memes, but I had a special power, they couldn’t help me, so I left SHARC.”
“I lost sense of who I truly was because of this power,” he said, sobbing, “I didn’t know anything. I was in distress. I didn’t know if distress was black and white or blue and gold. I was so confused. I was one grumpy cat.”
Now, however, it appears he has found his salvation, over at Rare Pepe’s Ranch. “Rare Pepe’s is the first place I can be myself without a problem. I know I did wrong stealing all those memes, but I genuinely cannot help it. Here at Pepe’s they understand that. Being here has really helped me ease my twitch, play Pokémon, improve my painting thanks to our teacher Bob Ross. I don’t worry about if I’m going to put memes in any more. I just do it, nothing is impossible. I just do it, I don’t let my memes be memes.”
What about the chances of recidivism? Could this person commit these crimes again?
“You’ve got as much chance of seeing me work in publishing, stealing people’s memes again, as you’ve got to see a hamster dance. Rare Pepe’s have offered me a job helping other people deal with their meme problems. We have art therapy, music therapy – tons of instruments, look at all these bass, all these bass are belong to us – we’ve got creative writing, outdoor pursuits. We’re turning people into warriors against their addictions. It’s not easy, it’s brutal. This is the old world, this is survive or die, is this madness? No, this is Sparta. But it’s worth it, and we do all let loose on Friday. You’ve gotta get down on Friday.”
It is clear to see that the man is doing well. The lawsuit begins in three weeks time, and he is accepting of any punishment he may receive. “I’ll take it on the chin and get back to helping people. We’ve got this Chinese family here, the Maos, they’ve got problems similar to mine. I have to accept my punishment in order to lead by example and do the best I can to cure all the things that ail a Mao.”
Looking at this man at Rare Pepe’s Ranch, seeing his beautiful, colourful paintings – one so vibrant in yellows it looked like a lemon party – it is clear he is a misguided soul trying his best to make his way in the world with a gift for meme. I donated heavily to their charity, saying “Shut up and take my money!” because I think we all know the difficultly of living in a meme dominated world.
Terminal Context would like to thank Alexander for getting in touch with us about this story.