England Threatened with Ban from Europe

By Jen Goasim

Scenes of loutish behaviour, ale swigging, obnoxious chanting of lies and a sense of supposed national superiority by a minority of thuggish loudmouths could see England banned from Europe, UEFA have said.

A camp of civilised voices wants England to remain in the tournament, and is calling for calm and to simply observe the English doing the best they can to ensure their optimal success in Europe. However, there are those who believe this is pandering to a European spirit that denies the fundamental greatness of England (even though they haven’t done anything of any real significance since 1966). These people want to leave the tournament, simply pretending they are the champions regardless of the outcome. It is a situation similar to when England refused to enter the first few world cups as they believed their invention of association football transcended any need to engage with the wider community to help encourage its growth, much to the detriment of the English game.

However, with the recent spate of bad behaviour the decision of whether or not England remain in Europe could very well be removed from England fans’ hands with Europe suggesting England need to clean up their act or get out. “We have also issued a statement to the Russian Football Association, but we are used to them acting like a bunch of invasive thugs in Europe, as our recent Crimean mini-tournament showed. However, for such a close neighbour and ally as England to be so bullish, ignorant and polluted by delusions of grandeur is exceptional. I mean, yes, they have a lot of money in their game, but what else do they have besides that?” their spokesperson said.

It is unclear quite what the future holds for England in Europe. Well it is very clear, actually. It may very well go down to the wire but they will inevitably succumb to one of the other European nations on penalties. Such is the way.

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