By Ray Poblik
As is customary every time she has an excuse to have one too many gins, the Queen has pretended to give a shit about the lives of people not named ‘Windsor’ by having a panel of advisors give her some arbitrary names of people to give an honour to. Taken from fields such as the arts, science, television, politics, finance and charity they inexplicably wow people every time.
Here is that list of honours in full.
Spunt and Dick
These two cheeky Geordie TV presenters have almost certainly been given an OBE for their work on sycophantic documentary “Why the Prince is a Good Dude and Definitely Not a Mad Old Moaning Has-Been”, about the Prince of Wales and his Princes Trust. The two can usually be seen on TV presenting shows with a tedious two-man comedy schtick that would not be out of place in the 70s.
The first official British astronaut, Tom Pooke has been honoured for services to space, where he does much charity work helping alien children learn to read and advances human knowledge of how we respond to microgravity for when we inevitably have to flee the planet because the Queen insists on driving a Land Rover with low MPG.
The aging rockstar with a face like a leather satchel receives a knighthood for services to being sexy and the Queen wanting his body. Unfortunately for Her Maj, Stew has a much younger, much hotter missus.
The young England cricket captain recently became the youngest player to score 10,000 test runs, toppling the record set by Sachin Tendulkar. In true Imperial spirit, Chef’s honour is a CBE for services to successfully quashing those uppity Indians. She just can’t let go of the Raj, old Lizzie.
Of course, these celebrity awards are just the distraction from the real awards given to people in government and finance. Here are some highlights from those;
Jeremiah Bunting has received a CBE for services to finance for his investment bank ‘P. Rick’s and Juan Carr’s’ set up in the British Virgin Islands. Established in 2010, he has seen business boom as the great and the good of the UK invest with him to avoid British taxation. He is currently under investigation for fraud.
Lord Damien Relts was given an OBE for services to community, equality and politics. The former Conservative MP once tabled a bill to legislate that all unemployed disabled persons should undergo forced labour, or face involuntary euthanasia. He was heavily wrapped up in the expenses scandal after claiming £18,000 a year for a house that didn’t exist.
Julia Harris is a top civil servant who has been awarded a Damehood for her public service work. Julia is known in the civil service as ‘the magician’, because she makes inconvenient pieces of research and data disappear, allowing politicians to lie through their teeth and misinform the public.
Join us again at Christmas when more people who do harder work than the Queen are inexplicably ‘honoured’ when she appraises their contributions to society and deems them worthy of an award.