By Sir Anthony Henry Bull
Some people here at Terminal Context believe the Queen is an anachronism. A product of a past time whose current presence is unnecessary and promoting of a culture of entitlement and fame fetishising that leads to unrealistic expectations in one’s youth and thus inevitable disappointment and alienation. However, they’re talking piffle, quite frankly. She’s a rozzer old bird and I’ll not hear a word said against her. To prove to those republican plebiscites just how valuable an asset Her Majesty is to this nation, we present her top ten moments as selected by me, Sir Anthony Henry Bull.
- When she won the Second World War single handed by infiltrating Europe and strangling Hitler.
One of the little known events in Lizzie’s life was her role as a World War II spy; she was somewhat of a rogue element however. She was the Queen and did not take too kindly to taking orders. What is more, she felt the British command was a bit of a blunt-tipped rapier. It had all of the style but none of the effectiveness. So, Her Maj being Her Maj she parachuted herself behind enemy lines, infiltrating and liberating a variety of French towns as she jogged her way casually to Berlin where she had a kung-fu fight with Hitler and ultimately throttled him to death. Had it not been for Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II: Return of the Elizabeth, the allies would never have won WWII: Revenge of the Fritz. Three cheers for Queenie!
- When she flew into space with a group of miners to save the world from a giant asteroid.
The 1998 smash-hit blockbuster Armageddon is well regarded as one of the most inexplicably entertaining, ramshackle, plot hole fuelled pieces of nonsense in cinema and yet so few people know it is based upon a true story. In 1974, Earth was faced with a tremendous danger as a huge lump of rock the size of Texas came hurtling towards the planet threatening to destroy life as we know it. Little did this rock know we had our very own superhero just chilling in Buck Palace at the time and she was having none of it. Upon being told the news it is alleged her response was “Well this simply will not do. Put my weetabix in the car, we’re sorting this out.” And she went around the country finding the highest calibre mining talent available. This was not too hard since they were all on strike at the time. Her Majesty does not involve herself in business and labour disputes except, of course, when she is helping sweeten the deal of Saudi arms deals. Long story short, she flew to space with Britain’s best miners, planted an explosive device at the heart of the planet-ruining asteroid and created the finest fireworks display ever seen by man. Three cheers for Queenie!
- When she hands out her vast wealth to the general population.
Yes, one of the biggest criticisms of our Monarch is that she is so wealthy when there is such inequality in the country and surely it is the charge of a monarch to ensure her people’s safety and prosperity. However, she does distribute her money. Every year, in fact, on Maunday, that’s the Thursday before Easter.
Okay, to be fair it’s specially minted and not legal tender, so she may as well be giving out Monopoly money, but shut up!
- The infamous sex tape
In 2003, at the sprightly age of 77, the Queen turned what could have been one of the most embarrassing moments of her life into opportunity when a sex tape of her and R’n’B/Hip-Hop D-lister Ray J was somehow leaked to the public. It should have been the end of the Monarchy in this country. But so vapid is this populace that they all thought it was perfectly cool and it made the Queen more famous than ever and now people also want to be loose-lipped super sluts paid to merely exist just like Her Majesty. God save our Queen. Who can forget that scene where Ray J breaks her coyness, opens her legs and we get a glimpse at that Royal sagging growler. Majestic.
- When she broke the record for most number of pegs on a human face.
The Guinness Book of World Records was always a favourite of Her Royal Highness, ever since she was a little girl and dreamed of meeting a man twelve foot tall who could drink lemon juice the fastest. It should come as no surprise that a woman as beautiful and talented as our head of state should put her competitive spirit to the test in trying to get in that book. I mean, look how long she’s preserved her corporeal form by feasting on the blood of virgins just so she could be the UK’s longest serving monarch.
Thus, in 1984, a bored and unsatisfied Elizabeth set about practicing the record for the most number of pegs on a human face. By 1985 she had fully mastered the art, claimed the record and was satisfied. The Queen being the humble, wonderful human being she is, however, she declined to have the record ratified by Guinness and instead was happy with her own achievement. She would later say she regretted this, on account of the fact that she did not have jowels until she had done it and would have liked the recognition. But still, what a triumph of the human spirit.
- When she travelled the world as an erudite archaeologist in short shorts
The British Museum is full of strange and wonderful artefacts from all around the world, but few people are aware just how much of that treasure is owed to the efforts of one Elizabeth Windsor. In her younger days she was renowned as a bit of an explorer, rocking a pair of short khaki shorts and a green vest top. She would travel to strange and exotic locations, fighting off tigers and gorillas and dinosaurs, all in order to bring the finest of antiquities to her native shores. Some people make jokes about her being a coffin dodger, but they may change their minds if they knew she was the original Tomb Raider.
- Travelling back in time to free the Hebrews
Biblical history is a difficult thing to source. Besides a few third or fourth hand translations of notes made by nomadic goat herders several thousand years ago we have little understanding of their way of life. Or rather, we didn’t until our glorious Monarch invented the time machine by sticking some wires and a timer on an orange and shoving some uranium in it. She utilised this improvised device to travel back in time and learned that the Egyptians were keeping a bunch of people slaves. She would never tolerate slavery. It was inefficient. Better to pay the people and pretend it freedom than keep them in slavery. Slaves need to be fed, watered, sheltered and preserved so they may do your work. Serfs, however, can be told to deal with those problems themselves. So she donned a false beard and set about freeing them from their slavery. Afterwards she put them in the hands of one Moses because he said he knew a really lovely place they could live, but actually he just walked them around in circles for many years until they were all so irritated they forsook the God they believed had saved them. It is a tragic story, but one in which Her Majesty plays the hero’s role.
- Ensuring the survival of the giant panda.
Pandas are like upper-class teenagers; far too pampered, inexplicably well regarded and very, very bad at sex. Not that I’d know, of course, all those charges were dropped after an out of court settlement, nobody can prove anything. But, they do have some hope after a team of the Queen’s private researchers discovered that the animals have a lusty attraction to the Queen herself. Being the trooper that she is, she decided to oblige their desires. No, the Queen did not bang a panda. What she did do, however, was perform a sexy dance on camera. Now, every zoo involved in the breeding of pandas has a copy of this sensual, sexy performance to put on whenever they want the pandas to get down to some boom-chicky-wah-wah. If it were not for the Queen’s exceptional sexual ardour they may very well be facing extinction.
- When she built the pyramids using only the power of her mind.
“How did they do that!?” is the surprise-faced question every young person has on their lips when they first see the size, scale and longevity of the great Pyramids at Giza. Conspiracy theory after lunatic conspiracy theory has been posited however if one checks the diaries of Elizabeth II one finds some incredible revelations. Remember how she went back in time and freed the Hebrews from Ancient Egypt? Yeah, she also built the pyramids. By herself. Using only her mind. It is easy to see how, with telekinesis, huge blocks of stone hewn from quarries miles away could be effortlessly stacked in the sands of Giza and put together so masterfully that they still stand thousands of years later. Only Her Majesty has that power. Only Queen Elizabeth II is awesome enough to do that.
- The Creation of the Universe
You didn’t know this, did you? I dare say many people do not. It all comes down to that improvised, citric time machine again. It was, indeed, our Queen, her most majestic majesty, Her Royal Highness, Elizabeth Nathaniel Frou-Frou Juniper Allegorical Saxe-Couburg-Gothe Windsor who created all life as you know it. When the Queen was experimenting with her time travelling device she pondered the very nature of the beginning. If she went back there, she thought, could she commune with God? When she arrived, she found only void, and herself. Deeming this to be unacceptable she screamed her loudest and a small drop of her saliva found a home in the void. It began to smoulder and glow and when the Queen said “SHAZAM!” it rent all nothing asunder, and expanded rapidly into the Universe. The creation of all matter, all energy, all cosmic laws and physical boundaries was established that day and due to the nature of her time machine, the Queen has a throne in the void from where she can watch over and rule all of creation. This is why she is the head of the Church of England. Deep in their annals they have the records. Henry VIII first discovered that his very, very distant counterpart was the Divine Creator when his alchemists discovered the secret by mixing an exotic elixir known as ‘rum’ with a strange new tonic called ‘cola’ in their search to turn base metals into gold. He put into motion the events that would lead to the rightful worship of Her Majesty. A secret order within the church are tasked with protecting this secret until the time is right and the people ready.
I am a member of that order, and on her 90th birthday, the time is right for you to know you all owe your existence to Queen Elizabeth II. Happy birthday and you bless you, Ma’am.