By Miles Jones Jr.
Popular music figure and inexplicably popular infantilised hipster douchebag with a guitar, Ed Sheeran, is in a spot of trouble after a lawsuit against him could see him potentially lose a £20m settlement because of a photograph.
“I took the photograph at a festival,” says the claimant, “And, as you can see, there’s an Ed Sheeran in it. No one wants that. It has impacted my quality of life negatively and destroyed my peace of mind. Every time I want to browse my memories of that happy time I am reminded Ed Sheeran exists and is popular somehow. It’s not on and I deserve compensation.”
Sheeran is also in trouble for Photograph because apparently it’s some dull song that rips off some other dull song. For some reason this is news.
Sheeran was unavailable for comment as he was busy spending a lot of time and effort making his hair look like he had not spent a lot of time and effort on it.
You know what? Miles Jones likes a lot of things. Miles Jones likes some really embarrassing things. Sometimes I get high as hell and blast Leona Lewis really loud. Sometimes I accidentally put on Fast Food Rockers and remind myself of that time in the late-90s/Early 2000s when you could get away with a dance track of a kids song with costumes. But this?
Look, I won’t ever try to tell people what they should or should not like but…Come on! There’s a lot of amazing, talented musicians out there who are trawling around the local circuits doing exactly what Ed does, doing it better and getting zero recognition. Yet this is news? Yet I’m tasked with writing this up? Guys, I could be out there finding the next big thing, not sat in this office writing this?
Miles Jones Jr. Out.