By Alan McSpestos
The labour dispute between Terminal Context and their staff of writers and interns has finally come to an end after a temporary replacement, or ‘scab’, as people who break a strike are known, Tommy, released a sexist, homophobic slew of poetic insults at the leader of the industrial action, Timmy the Intern.
“The allegations aimed at me were puerile and baseless and Terminal Context are now well aware that they are, and always have been, at fault.” Timmy told press, by which I mean me, here, at the office, because I know him.
“I look forward to getting back to doing my job, and ensuring all of Terminal Context’s poetic content is of a reasonable enough standard, and does not just steal the rhythm and meter from a popular limerick structure or Christmas carols.” He added.
“I wish to thank all my team for their support, all of those writers who walked out with me in protest at the treatment we were receiving. It is a proud day for justice, equality and journalism. Thank you.”
The dispute, which lasted all of twenty hours, began when colleague Sir Anthony Henry Bull, well known as a friend of the Terminal Context executives, stole Timmy’s beef and horseradish sandwich, refused to apologise, threw the crust at his face, called him a ‘pleb’ and then laughed about it with the board of directors.
It is believed that part of the new agreement involves Terminal Context paying for Timmy’s lunch, as well as the lunches of all the other writers on their staff, as well as actually giving them access to a flushing toilet.
Terminal Context released this statement;
It has been a difficult time for Terminal Context and we have had to come to some realisations.
For one, we are nowhere near as big or as untouchable as we would like to think.
For two, we have taken for granted some of the hardest working people within our organisation and must work hard ourselves to remedy this.
For three, we will have to institute a strict policy on the stealing of lunches, even if it is by veteran members of staff.
Finally, we have to issue a full and frank apology to Timmy, and writers like Miles Jones Jr., Celestia Moonchild, Alan McSpestos, Professor Lord Lord, Danny Hunter, Willow Leathers and all of our freelancers.
We were wrong to take you for granted, we were wrong to not give you the rewards for your hard work to which you are entitled, we were wrong to let Sir Anthony Henry Bull steal your sandwiches, look at inappropriate content on your computers and relieve himself in your kettle. We were wrong to employ Tommy the intern in your stead, and to allow him to upload vile content to our esteemed organ. Timmy, contrary to his poem, does not smell – well he does, but he smells of Lynx Voodoo and occasionally chips – he is not gay as far as I know but that does not really matter because he’s a good chap, and he does not dress like a girl. This was hateful, it was sexist, it was homophobic and transphobic and Terminal Context has never stood and will never stand for that sort of thing. Well, except Sir Anthony Henry Bull, but he’s old and posh, he doesn’t understand.
We hope we can put this whole matter to bed and move on with being a strong, professional unit working in the competitive field of high quality journalism.
It is believed the settlement should last quite some time, especially since rumour has it a certain award winning Glaswegian journalist threatened to batter seven shades out of the board of directors if they ever put a foot wrong again.