By Kryn Cleo Botton
For most people, waving your hands in the air like you just don’t care is something one does at parties. It is something that may even spontaneously occur when you are having a very good time. You may just feel the need to throw your hands up and let out a very loud “Wooo!”
However bearded lunatic and believer that systems and positive thinking will let you open the right randomly distributed boxes for cash reward, Noel Edmonds, has come out in support of the ‘Waving Your Hands in the Air Like You Just Don’t Care Cancer Treatment Plan’.
“There is no evidence,” he says, wiping the excess bullshit from the side of his mouth with a very expensive handkerchief he says doubles as a cure for athletes foot if you think about it positively for long enough, “that cancer is caused by anything but thinking bad thoughts. I knew a man, Steve, from Runcorn. He lived a full, happy and healthy life. Then his wife left him, Steve thought a bad thought and twenty years later he got cancer. Is that coincidence? I don’t think so.”
He continued, but quite frankly it was difficult to listen to him. This is, after all, a man who wholly believes if you will the cosmos enough it will give you gifts, despite no scientific evidence seeming to support this.
“Waving your hands in the air like you just don’t care supports a positive mental attitude, and that positive mental attitude is the only barrier between you and cancer. There is no cell mutation, no damaged DNA, no metastasis, that’s all a lie told to you by big pharmaceutical companies who want to sell you drugs. I don’t want to sell you anything. But if you do want to be protected from cancer you do have to buy the patented waving your hands in the air like you just don’t care book and cassette pack.”
We informed Mr. Edmonds it was not the 90s and most people do not have cassette players these days, but he just looked at us like we were mad, put underpants on his head, shoved pencils up his nose and said “Wibble.”
Whatever your belief, Terminal Context cannot support Noel Edmonds, anything that feckless idiot says, waving your hands in the air like you just don’t care as a cure for cancer, or watching Deal or No Deal. We wholly believe in the scientific method here at TC and if you discover an unusual lump on your body or are experiencing symptoms of discomfort we recommend you go see someone who has spent several years in medical school. They will hopefully refer you to someone who has spent their entire life learning a specialised area of medicine who can diagnose you appropriately. Do not take advice from washed up, past it, idiotic, know nothing, feckless, wreckless, ludicrous twats from television game shows.
And if you are Noel Edmonds please be aware that everyone does like Mr. Blobby more than you, still, after all these years. You are still in the shadow of that pink monster with the yellow spots. And Mr. Blobby, I believe, is a supporter of proper, medical treatments for cancer, because Mr. Blobby is also smarter than you, Noel. You are more stupid than a fictional pink blob monster, Noel. It’s okay, though, I trust you won’t dwell on that thought too long, if you did you might get cancer.