By Akamaneh Eblis
Clinton versus Trump. It was the sane world’s greatest fear when presidential election nominees were being mentioned. This year, 2016, members of the public of the United States of America somehow have to choose between a sordid made-for-reality-TV arsebasket, or the Queen of a twisted and corrupt political family empire. It’s a choice, America, between the devil and satan and you are the ones being asked to pick.
Analysts working in laboratories the world over have adjusted their future predictions and all of them look pretty grim. If Trump is elected, they say, he will nuke the world within fifteen minutes after an intern makes fun of his hair. If Clinton is elected, she will subtly and covertly abuse her position to reap rewards for herself and her own family and a few people may be coyly buried in the back yard to be forgotten about. That’s until the human farms come along.
Religious leaders are combined in their affirmation that this is somewhere in their texts as some kind of sign that these are the end times. One priest I spoke to did not say a word, he just cried tears of blood and immediately went to pray. I gathered an Imam and a Rabbi together to ask their opinions and they just sobbed and hugged one another.
One thing is for certain, the world is now a more united place than it has ever been. It is united in a sense of mortal fear the likes of which you have not felt since you stupidly contemplated the concept of death during an idle thought session when you couldn’t nap one Wednesday afternoon.
Sociologists are suggesting now is a good time to get on with our lives and forget about it. After all, Caligula was once Emperor of Rome and the world did not end. But then, he didn’t have a nuclear arsenal at his disposal. Had he, his battle with Neptune may have turned out differently and he would have deployed it mercilessly and evaporated the oceans. Not that I am suggesting Trump will do that, but that guy can have an argument in an empty room.
What more can we say? Hug a loved one. Sing a song. Go out dancing. Forget your inhibitions. Have lots and lots of unprotected sex. Try gay sex if you’re straight, why not? Try straight sex if you’re gay, why not? Try anything if you’re bi, it doesn’t matter, right? Within five years all we know and love will have crumbled, returning to the Earth whence it came and our hopes and dreams with it. We could have been exploring space together. We could have been conquering the universe while whittling down our long travel hours taking safe doses of experimental space drugs, listening to amazing music made in space by people without the homogenising constraints of fashions, trends and the crippling monetary greed that plights creativity, and just fucking until we’re raw, tired and grinning.
That’s over now. All because bullshit political partisanship led us to this point. All because you could not put down your pitchforks, turn around and see the real monster. Life’s funny, isn’t it?
When Aristotle first suggested that nature abhorred a vacuum, who could have imagined he was referring to the inside of Donald Trump’s head? Maybe people were confused and thought he meant Hillary’s morals.I know he meant how I feel inside.