St. Louis Police Department Crime Reporting App Goes Awry

By Endub Yuwe

An app for members of the public to submit anonymous crime tips to St. Louis police has come under heavy criticism after the ‘panhandling’ crime option has seen multiple chefs and cooks wrongfully arrested.

Many people were more upset that St. Louis police had bothered spending time and money on such a pointless thing instead of solving crimes and protecting people. Even more were upset about potential abuses of the system and criminalisation of homelessness. However, the recent arrests of people in the culinary industry are what is drawing the majority of criticism.

John Havenawski, a 30 year old chef in St. Louis, was released on bail for panhandling yesterday.

“Yeah I handle pans,” he said, “I’m a fucking chef, chefs use pans. We use saucepans and frying pans and skillets and baking pans and peter pans and underpans we use all the damn pans. This app is stupid. What, are we supposed to cook on exposed stone slabs now? Some bullshit hipster gentrification things? What is wrong with the world.”

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Police arrest notorious criminal t0kerfr0g, involved in funding European communism, thanks to the the app.

He is clearly quite upset, and rightly so. When Chief of Police Sam Dotson boasted of the app’s effectiveness on Twitter while thirteen chefs were in police custody for simply doing their job, we can understand why John and the other chefs are so upset.

The move follows UK Metropolitan Police Commissioner Bernard Hogan-Howe’s shocking belief that victims of cybercrime only have themselves to blame and should be more careful, a man in the UK tailing a drunk driver, who admits to being drunk but police didn’t turn up because they were ‘busy’ and a variety of police forces in the United States covering the butts of cops who shoot black people because, “hey, they’re just doing their job!”. The same argument used by these innocent chefs. It seems police work worldwide is changing, placing the burden of responsibility on the public, rather than the police force to sort out crimes.

“It’s just going to lead to vigilante justice,” John continued, “Just last week, guy tried to snatch my wallet so I turned him into a damn lasagne. That’s something I should be arrested for, not sautéing some damn chicken fillets.”

The same app also had two gold prospectors, six dementia nurses and one Wendy Moira Angela Darling arrested for panhandling.

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