Europe Shocked as Predicted Floods Turns Out to be of Water, Not Migrants

by Nigel Conte

If you have followed European news and politics for the last 18 months you will know all about the migrant crisis. Whether your opinion of it is as a humanitarian crisis causing a mass flood of people in need, or whether you believe it’s a swarm of opportunists trying to bleed the system dry, no one denies the phenomenon and much time, money and effort is being spent trying to put an end to it.

Funnily enough, very little time, money and effort is being spent trying to put an end to various Middle-East and North African conflicts causing this mass tide of people, but we’ll put that down to gross governmental incompetence, shall we?

Imagine the shock, then, when Western Europe was hit by floods, but not of people, but of water. The traditional definition of flood, but still a relevant one all the same. Such natural disasters appear to have become more common in recent years. Many put much of this year’s inclement weather down to El Nino. However, many scientists are suggesting the weather patterns we have been seeing are down to anthropogenic climate change. Regardless, it is leaving the people of Europe confused.

“We were all preparing for a flood of people.” Hans Richter, affected by the flooding in Germany says, “Some of us were preparing to welcome them, some of us had been honing our racial slurs and right wing politics. What none of us had been doing is keeping an eye on river levels and putting up barriers and sandbags. We were expecting people, not water.”


Look at this chap! Zero fucks given. You go, son!

Griff Blunteux ,of Belgium’s far-right political party Ef Ouef, thinks this flooding is not of natural creation. “It is all these migrants pissing in our rivers, raising their levels and then flooding our houses so they can steal our lives, jobs, women and identities.” he suggests, frothing at the mouth.

“It is almost as if,” Says Curie Joliette from France, who believes the floods have natural causes, “the ravages of nature are infinitely more pressing and savage than the problems we get from immigration. Why have politicians been filling our heads with this immigration nonsense when a flood can come along and wipe a town out in an instant?”

Dr. Ito Dyusou agrees, talking to me as he shook his head at his desk after having been banging it on a brick wall for decades.

“I told you all, if you don’t take care of your environment, your environment takes care of you – in the Bond villain sense. I talked about habitat loss, I talked about soil erosion, I talked about the environment and you all just stuck me in the hippy camp and told me to shut up because you need to drive your cars and burn your fuels and use multiple televisions in one home. You should have listened then, you can all piss off and drown.”


Silly sausage! Rivers are for boats, not cars. Oh…it’s not a river, it’s a street. Silly water! Streets are for people and cars!

Dr. Ito Dyusou evidently had little patience left for humanity. How much patience, though, do we as the public have left? In the UK, the government cut funding to flood defences. It resulted in massive floods, affecting huge areas of the country. That same government has also blamed immigration for their budget cuts, but is that really the problem? Anyone who wasn’t some idiot psychologically scarred, sociopathic former school boarder with half a brain and few lessons in geography could tell you 2016 was scheduled to be an El Nino year, and with increasing temperatures and intensities of rainfall over the last few years could have predicted flooding being an issue.

That’s all irrelevant now. All we can do now is hope the relative authorities have it in their budgets and power to help all of those affected, and ensure a comfortable return to normal life. Also, if they could stop encouraging building of houses on known historical flood plains that would be great.


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