Intern Timmy’s Poem – The Great EU Debate

By Timmy the Intern

I don’t quite know what to make of this EU vote,
But here, have my two pennies and this old shilling note.
There are some who like old money and of course they’re fine.
But nationhood and politics, it changes over time.
I’ve heard we need our borders. We’re safer to vote out.
I’ve also heard we’re safer in, so what’s that all about?
What’s the big deal with migrants? In evolved history,
we all came Out of Africa before crossing the sea.
They say “They’re unelected!” but so’s the House of Lords,
and the monarchy and businesses who lobby out in hoards.
They say our farming’s messed up. No more subsidies.
Yet it’s DEFRA who screw that one up, with their late payment fees.
They say we need our National Pride, whatever that might be.
They suggest it can dilute our sense of identity.
But last I checked being British was diverse as they come,
it’s Indian Bhajis, Chinese chow mein and Caribbean rum.
It’s Notting Hill Carnival and old village Mayday cheer.
It’s Morris dancing to bhangra while drinking Polish beer.
It’s cricket picnics and Wimbledon, and they’re not going away.
It’s watching Hollywood movies and DIY on your bank holiday.
Identity is personal, it is what you are.
That can’t be changed by delegates voting from afar.
They say if we stay there’ll be trouble, the same if we leave, too.
So what exactly, tell me, are we supposed to do?
Are there objective figures, a list of pros and cons,
not drawn up by posh idiots with partisan caps on?
Is there an objective answer not laden with agenda?
Just give me raw numbers, the graphs myself I’ll render.
I’m asking for untouched facts, not your damn opinion.
Is it really a choice between being King Arthur or a European Minion?
What about us common folk, struggling at the bottom.
We need to know how this affects us. The facts please, have you got ‘em?
Nope, you’ve only rhetoric, tainted by your bias,
any truth we’ll have to extract with a pair of cynics pliars.
And cut away the fat with our occam’s razor.
And if you’re producing data, we need to know who pays ya.

I’m sick and tired of pervy slick
public shoolboy lunatics
in suits and ties who act like dicks
abusing lies and dirty tricks
to get us in a heady mix
of tit for tat and that for this,
treating us like unwashed hicks
We are the ones who take the risks
give us no carrot, just the sticks
while they play petty politics
for attention and story clicks
cult-of-personality publicity pics
apparently are going to fix
a country run by the greedy mitts
of power and money addicts.
Voting leave or vote remain.
To them it’s really all the same.
We’re just the pawns in their
insufferable personal game.


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