Man Killed by Gorillas after Young Gorilla Fell into His House

By Hardwick Gustaffson

David Castlewick, now deceased due to being shot by gorillas. Not The Gorillaz, the pop group. He looks a bit vain in this shot, doesn’t he? Probably deserved it, the smug git.

A family of Gorillas today shot a man after an unsupervised young gorilla fell into his house. The man, David Castlewick, 32 originally from Dunbartonshire but now living in Gabon, West Africa, was shot to protect the gorilla child from any harm.


“We think in such circumstances it makes sense to kill the human. After all, they are pretty much everywhere, aren’t they? I mean, how many billions of them are there now? It’s not like they and their ignorant blood lust are single-handedly responsible for wiping out entire populations of their own species – well, just yet. I wouldn’t put it past them, they’re savages.” Akiba, the head of the family of Gorillas, said.

The story comes following the shooting of a Gorilla in Cincinnati Zoo after a seemingly unsupervised infant managed to fall into their enclosure. Harambe the gorilla was shot dead to protect the boy from potential harm because in America you solve problems by shooting things. Rumours of this being a revenge attack are already spreading.

People are already calling for the heads of the family of gorillas that shot the man, claiming he intended them no harm and has been recklessly murdered, but Akiba had this to say;

“He’s a human. He’s a hundred-eighty pounds of super-intelligent killing machine. We had to make a difficult choice, but we think we made the right one. People are just damn dangerous. Look at all the harm they’ve done in the world? No other species has done that. We had to kill him to protect our child.”

The controversy continues with people calling on Akiba and his family to take responsibility for Dave’s death and suggesting they are bad parents. However they are gorillas and we are people, so if we can’t think of better solutions to problems than killing things perhaps we should not expect wilder versions of ourselves to do any better.


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