Humans Pledge to Help Great Barrier Reef, but Won’t

by Avid Dattenborough

In the biggest environmental move saying ‘the world will definitely do something when it won’t’ since the COP21 United Nations Climate Conference in Paris, today the world pledged to do more to protect the Great Barrier Reef, but won’t.

Scientists have discovered that large sections of the north and central parts of the Great Barrier Reef are dead or dying. The ‘bleaching’ effect comes from overexposure to warm water believed to be caused by global warming. The hot water causes the symbiotic algae to be expelled from the corals, leading to their white colour and dead appearance. If water temperatures normalise in good time, the algae can return, however this does not look likely for the barrier reef.

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This is the kind of gorgeous, bountiful and vital habitat in danger. Want a food crisis? Don’t protect the habitats on which all these fish depend.

This is not the first bleaching event to blight the reef however it is the most extreme so far. After previous attempts, pledges were made to try to improve conditions at the reef, they clearly have not worked. So more pledges have been made, that also will not work because at the end of the day humanity is doing so little to combat anthropogenic climate change they may as well all boil themselves now.

“The biggest obstacle,” says Henry Trubidour, head of a hedge fund for climate investments, “Is that a lot of these greenwashed initiatives actually cost money, instead of making it. You can make an awful lot of scratch out of exploitation and processes that pump greenhouse gases into the atmosphere. You can’t make an awful lot trying to find ways to stop this, so nobody really wants to take responsibility.” Henry is part of a scheme that aims to invest in the next generation of climate-friendly businesses. The people who he manages the fund for have been dropping out to invest in funds dealing in crude oil, old-tech energy manufacture, arms and of course speculating on foreign currency markets to make money off other’s suffering and misery.

“I’ve been talking about these problems for years,” says climate science Chief Simon Mistri, “You have just been ignoring it, or calling me a quack, or making fun of my hockey-stick graphs. Quite frankly you can all sod yourselves, you ungrateful, planet-ruining, coffee-swigging, ignorant, uneducated sons of bitches. Who do you trust for your honest opinions about climate science, Independent climate scientists or spokespersons for British fucking Petroleum?”

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This man and his treasury have pledged £1.2 TRILLION for failing banks. But screw the planet, am I right? He’s an idiot. YOU LIVE ON THAT PLANET, DAVE! Money can’t buy it back if it’s destroyed!

Scientists estimate the amount of funding needed to make the Great Barrier Reef healthy again is about $10bn which is a fraction of what was given by governments worldwide to failing, corrupt banks who spunked all the rest of their cash on risky investments and then went cap-in-hand to the taxpayer, only for governments to tell taxpayers it was all their fault and they should pay up as it is their responsibility to protect the world and their futures. Unfortunately, those in charge of government finances perceive banks as ‘the real world’ and their actual, real, natural world as some kind of permanent, unchanging medium on which to do banking business. They are, of course, wrong, but good luck convincing them of that until sea levels begin to swallow coastal resorts and Earthquakes knock down the skyscrapers of financial sectors.

Terminal Context acknowledges their participation in this not caring by using computers and central heating and Playstations and stuff. But we don’t have a car. Well we have one. But we don’t use it much. We do, however, sometimes burn large amounts of coal for fun. Sorry.

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