by Vince Protial
Usually when newts disrupt a construction project it is due to their needing to be protected. Britain has many species of endangered newt and their protection often trumps building in the eyes of the law. However, building of a new housing development in Nether Wallop (not a euphemism, but could be) has been disrupted due to the newts going to war.
Forming guerrilla cells and fighting with stealth and disruption tactics, the newts have so far destroyed £300,000 worth of building materials and murdered 16 construction workers, including Jerry the plumber, famous for his charity work, ironically, protecting newts.
The newts first took offense at the idea of the building project when it would make their tiny pond obsolete and replace it with a rubbish filtered thingy with horrible imported fish in it. They disagreed with this and so began a campaign group to protest it. However, no one paid any notice to their legal dispute, because they were newts. This made the newts very angry and caused this campaign of hateful violence.
Attempts were made to contact and negotiate with the newts, however the negotiator was captured and tortured and now the builders have made the decision to pull the project. This was not enough for the now violent and ambitious newts and the developers have agreed to build their project.
The newts have now turned the Nether Wallop housing development into development of a prime newt habitat that will be known at Newtopia. Newtopia is planned to begin construction next week and hopefully the newts will settle down by then. However, insiders report this is just the beginning for the increasingly power-hungry newts, with plans to take over the UK in the works, renaming it Newdimonia.
This is one in the eye for animal rights activists who often paint humanity as the villain. This is what the natural world wants to do to you given half a chance. Damn you selfish genes, DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!