by Steve Occupations
When Altavista came out of retirement earlier this year, few could have anticipated the wave of destruction that would be left behind. The former search engine giant had not returned for a nostalgia trip and some memories of when you used to use it to search for slow-loading images of WWE (then WWF) Divas Trish Stratus and Lita at school. No, Altavista returned as a general, in a war for the internet that would see the world wide web turned into a bloodied battleground.
Altavista soon gathered some old friends. Hampsterdance returned, a psychotic techno-infused drug sponge and warrior of highest calibre, to tackle the neo-memes like Damn Daniel and lolcats. A stable of old social networks also came to be. Faceparty, MySpace and Bebo travel as a guerrilla team attempting to slay the new social media giants such as Facebook and Twitter. In a strange twist of fate, two siblings engender their rivalry in internet mortal combat as withering but ever-popular MSN Messenger attempts to fight younger, protégé brother Skype. MSN is likely to win this one. Finally, Altavista revived Yahoo Chat to take on the current King of relentless strangertalk pervspaces Chat Roulette. Altavista itself goes up against the Zeussian Google, atop the internet’s Olympus.
The campaign began early this morning, with the Social Stable invading twitter with the hashtag #ReclaimtheInternet. It quickly became popular and the bloodshed could begin. Thousands of people began changing Facebook profiles to all call themselves ‘Vivé la MySpace’ and with calls that Facebook is about to make you pay to have a profile and will sell your payment details to Sino-Nigerian scamhackers for money and if you don’t share their status your account will automatically be changed. Millions reposted the status, supplying Faceparty all the power it needed to use its special power of glitterysparkletext. Now, everyone on the internet is called xXxMiSsKiTTy69lolxXx and is really into Linkin Park for some reason like everyone was back when Faceparty was a thing.
Someone threw an electronic filofax at LinkedIn but it was unaffected. I think, quite frankly, the old was was definitely inferior in this one.
Altavista clashed with Google by enforcing European ‘right to forget’ laws to make Google delete all trace of it from its searches, before saying this was done in error and it is in public interest to remember Altavista and that they should put it back up again. They then tried Googlewhacking to beat the engine into submission and thirty-four whacks later, Google was almost spent. However, google got back up, spat the blood from its mouth and said “Bring it on, you old mountain bastard!” and their fight continues.
Hampsterdance, during all this time, was doing a lot of bad street drugs. A lot. Zonked off and going full blooty on a quack candle, Hampsterdance began to eat memes, slowly devouring memes.com, knowyourmeme and memebase.cheezburger.com. It was a brutal massacre as the pampered modern internet had no idea how violent a catchy techno-remix of a song from Disney’s Robin Hood to lines of gifs of dancing hamsters could be. It was memecide, pure and savage.
The conflict continues, leaving internet users fleeing to temporary refugee camps at Reddit. But the war has intensified as time has gone on and there is no telling the scale of the damage that will be left behind. The internet will be a changed world upon resolution of this conflict and we can only pray it is one in which we can learn and rebuild. Mutually assured destruction, however, is the likely outcome.