RHS Chelsea Flower Show – Titties Guide to Gardens

by Walter Titties

Every year a celebration of the beauty and wonder of our gardens takes place in Chelsea, London. The Royal Horticultural Society Chelsea Flower Show is the flagship event of the gardener’s year and this year is no exception. So join me as I take you on a whistle-stop journey through the best designs and concepts at this year’s show.

Granville Meeks’ Flesh Eating Plant Garden

This unusual display, brought to us by Northumberland’s Granville Meeks, is a weird miscellany of carnivory. With everything from Venus fly traps and pitcher plants all the way up to the hypnotic rafflesia of Bjardoghan and the Brazilian Maxilla Maximus, otherwise known as the bone-crunching jaw plant.

Several visitors have already fallen foul of the concept of this garden, which is reversing the destructive nature of mankind and showing the rest of nature can be just as powerful. This was particularly evident when current CEO of O’Lyve Oil, one of the largest crude oil businesses in the world, was eaten alive by the jaw plant. We in the surrounding crowd were not sure if we were supposed to scream and cry or applaud the beautiful illustration of point, so we kind of did both at the same time.

Mr. Meeks advises those visiting his display to not.

Wally Winkler’s Garden of Impossible Things

From root trees to the most saccharine of sweet peas, from jubladooba plants, to jizzcumbers, Wally Winkler’s is the garden of childhood dreams, a world of pure imagination. Expertly cut in two halves by a river of molten beans, and tended by a collection of colourful little people called ‘Rumpy Pumpers’ this garden is sure to delight and inspire with its colourful arrangements of plants that don’t even actually exist in real life. The upside down root trees are a joy to behold, their branches anchored deep in the ground while their roots flourish in the air. Also of note are the clunjidundas, small, round, colourful flowers that sing rude words at you.

God’s Garden of Eden

Once thought a purely allegorical place, opinions on the Garden of Eden changed drastically with the discovery of the tree of knowledge good and evil in Iraq earlier this year. Since then, God has been inspired to make a comeback and presents us with this vision of divine grace.

Centred on a jealous and hateful headcase, the garden spirals out into hypocrisy and contradiction, as contrasting flower size, shape and colour seems the theme. Nothing looks quite right, except to a few people who blindly believe in it. These people are particularly delighted by the dense shrubberies and arboretum, where you can’t see the wood for the trees. It is a slow descent into madness that ends with a cruciform palm upon which guests with children, preferably sons, are supposed to hang their child from it and torture them for the benefit of everyone else.

I am sure the concept made sense in God’s head, but realistically this one is a stand out for all the wrong reasons. A conceptually disjointed and ethically questionable attempt at gardening, it seems Eden is an experiment gone wrong. If you can, look out for the basket of the fruit of the tree of knowledge good and evil. It’s pricey, but all donations go to charity and once you have tasted it you are a changed person. The serpent attending them is also thoroughly charming.

Julie Valentina’s Lady Garden

This one is a Zen minimalist affair, with large splayed rocks on a raked gravel base housing just one triangular-trimmed bush, and two large boulders behind. It makes quite the statement. I am still not sure what the statement is, exactly, but we all agree it is either about equality or fertility. All I know is me and my gardening friends were very happy to sit and look at young student Julie Valentina’s Lady Garden for a very long time, and would like to get deeper into the Lady Garden.

Finally,

Harold Bundy’s Marijuana Garden

A garden of joyful contemplation of what it is to be a gardener. Would you tend a plant you knew could get you into trouble? Is the plant of more innate value than the law? Harold Bundy presents those questions with his glorious display of dank sticky-icky shizz.

A yin and yang inspired rotunda of ganja based around a central furnace in which all clippings are burned and the smoke distributed around the rest of the garden, we found this was the optimal spot for lunch or a snack and some contemplation. After we had discussed concepts of physics we had no grasp of, we watched Naruto for several hours before deciding this garden was definitely the best. Then some pizza happened and we laughed at something but we’re not sure what.

All we know is that Harold Bundy has presented the finest garden experience at this year’s show. His garden is a grand combination of horticultural magnificence, cultural exploration, sensory stimulation and getting absolutely, gurn-inducingly baked and is fun for all the family and surely not to be missed.

 

Well, that’s all from me for now. I have not long got back from Harold’s garden and rather need a sit down. This year’s RHS Chelsea Flower Show is without a doubt one of the finest in recent years, with displays of green-fingered skills balanced suitably with artistic design and concept. I only hope 2017 is as good a display.

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