by Clinkclunk Ngyugen
Not many people believe my name is onomatopoeic, but say it quickly and tell me it does not sound like a race car changing gear and driving by very fast. Onomatopoeic names are not uncommon and seem to be rising in popularity. Indeed, the next President of the United States of America may be a man whose name is onomatopoeic for a fart. Yet such names are still stigmatised.
Donald Trump – The man, the myth, the divisive public figure. His wild, unreal hair and obnoxious attitude make him a favourite to Americans seeking something different and altogether less yielding in politics. But how exactly does he overcome the stigma of his name.
“Yeah, kids used to make fun of me in school,” said the man who should be bald, “but that stopped happening after I built soundproof walls around myself and made them pay for it.”
But what about people who aren’t out-of-touch, over-privileged sociopaths?
Edward David Bang grew up on a housing estate in South London.
“Everyone would always make fun of my name. It’s an ironic name really as I’m actually quite frightened of loud noises. But everywhere I go people would shout my name at me, “BANG! BANG!” It became quite troublesome. Eventually I just gave up and shot them all, BANG!” says Edward, cackling maniacally in his jail cell.
Former WWE wrestler Crash Holly tells this story;
“When we were on the tour bus, the driver would stop at random points. He’d pull over and all the rest of the guys, particularly (Rick) Flair and Dustin (Runnels – The wrestler Goldust) would wait patiently for any collisions and then shout “HOLLY!” afterwards, as if that was funny. I don’t think discrimination against people with onomatopoeic names should count any differently to discrimination against people of colour, or people of certain religions. We all know the only fair game is gingers.”
Wherever we go we see those with onomatopoeic names being bullied and harassed because of their unusual monikers. Is this right? Human rights lawyer and fellow onomatopoeist, Dr. Susan Thwomp certainly doesn’t think so.
“This is the next big civil rights issue. I have clients with names like Biff, Sock, Kapow, Smash, Crash, Whoosh, Sprinkle, Tinkle, Whizz, Bark, Neigh, Moo, Spank, Crup, Badum-Tish and Cockadoodledoo. People from all walks of life who are tortured by others’ cruelty on a daily basis simply because of those names. How can anyone be so horrible as to make fun of military veteran and war hero Captain Henry Cockadoodledoo. What is so funny about that?”
“When I become President,” says Trump, “I will end the hate crimes against those with onomatopoeic names. I may incite hate crimes against people with differing politics, ideas, religions or skin colours, but no more will people make fun of people whose names sound like sounds of things they describe.”
A noble goal, a visionary dream and all from a man whose name, might we remind you, has constantly been made fun of because it is the sound of a fart. Some day soon, it seems, us onomatopoeists will have our equality.