by Alan McSpestos
Number 11 Downing Street confirmed today that George Osborne, the obnoxious Chancellor of the Exchequer, has been admitted to the Priory Clinic in order to deal with his crippling addiction to house prices, and worrying about them.
There is no denying the importance of the UK property market. Since the enforced closures of many of Britain’s industries due to unsupportive governments putting all their hope and faith in finance, production in this country lies destitute. The majority of GDP now comes from financial and service industries, with property being a huge part of that wealth.
Former Chancellor Gordon Brown (texture like sun) set the tone for this constant obsession with house prices. However, he managed to at least keep his house price intake in check. Sometimes allowing his nerves to get the better of him rather than give in to the temptation to worry about house prices. He chewed his nails, took his meds and moved on with his life.
George Osborne, however, always looks cool, calm and collected and this is mainly because of his blood house price levels.
“Sometimes,” says his aide, “We would go see him in his office and he’d be slumped, half conscious, in the corner mumbling about interest rates and real terms changes and obviously it was the house prices.”
“I remember one time we were at the Conservative Party conference and George was due to speak. He was whacked out, full gurning in a den made of legislative proposals, listening to Thatcher speeches and looking at YourMove.co.uk. We had to pump him full of coffee and images of poor people so he’d have the energy and loathing and actually be able to get up and do his job.”
Money savers have long taken the brunt of this house price addiction, as governments fiddle with interest rates to ensure mortgage holders get a better deal and keep buying houses. Meanwhile, savers get a kick in the teeth and told to do something more responsible with their money like invest it in sub-prime mortgages, volatile stocks and shares, or other similar financial bubbles doomed to failure.
Number 10 has released an official statement saying “We fully support George in his fight against house price addiction, but also do not want to see him lose his passion for ensuring everyone in the UK who is not an undeserving chav scum can afford to buy their own affordable £500,000 home.”
Insiders at the Priory tell us that George is already making good progress in not obsessing about the prices of one bedroom maisonettes, but they are having difficulty getting him to not think about the prices of beautifully appointed country villas. They expect this to be a long and difficult rehabilitation, but truly believe they can get Mr. Osborne to give up his addiction to house prices with the help of Hypocrisan, the experimental new drug that Ian Duncan Smith was put on to deal with his addiction to inflicting misery on the destitute.