by Hoge Hulkan
As well known for his kayfabe interfering as he is for his backstage interfering, Vince McMahon, the CEO of WWE, the world’s largest professional wrestling organisation, has bought his rivals at the EU referendum fight organisation and manipulated possibly the most historic event in European politics since Maastricht.
Currently the United Kingdom is set for a truly historical public vote on whether or not to remain a member of the European Union, or to go their separate ways and detach themselves from a large community and somehow still be a successful nation when they do not make anything and only export moaning and bad weather.
Still, it’s a thing that has to happen since David Cameron, the Prime Minister of the country with a face that constantly looks like a teenager caught touching their genitals, must attempt to appease his eurosceptic backbenchers who might otherwise say nasty things behind his back and undermine the strength of his leadership as if that has not been undermined enough by a series of U-turns so spectacular one has to wonder how Cameron is not dizzy.
That is a lot of exposition for a scenario that was crazy enough to begin with, but McMahon’s interference only makes things better. You see, the vote is a simple two option one for the UK people. Do you wish to remain in the EU, or do you wish to leave? McMahon has added another vote, for the rest of Europe. Do you wish the UK to remain in the EU, or do you wish them to leave? Two options in the UK, two options in Europe, the true Fatal Four Way.
“It needed livening up,” the weirdly buff nonagenarian head of the WWE said in a private interview, “the EU has been working hard in the sidelines, but the UK gets all the attention. Well, now that babyface EU is going against the ultimate heel.”
The outcomes are that if the EU and UK vote agree, they go through with that process. If both vote out, the UK is out. If both vote in, the UK is in. It’s if the votes disagree that it gets interesting.
“If they don’t agree, the EU has to fight John Cena in a grudge match at Summerslam to determine who gets to take on the winner of the UK and the Undertaker. If both the EU and the UK win their matches, then they have to battle at Money in the Bank to see who gets to completely decimate whose economy. It’s perfect.” Said McMahon.
The consequences of McMahon’s madcap scheme do not seem to have crossed his mind. By now, McMahon sees every entity indentified with a noun as a wrestler. This is, after all, the guy who hatched an egg into a giant wrestling turkey. He is presumably not right in the head.
“I think it’s a perfect idea,” says Leave campaigner and leader of the UK Isolationist Party, Neil Fappage, “We all fantasise about how Britain swaggered around mightily during World War II, we can do the same again only with Wrestling so we don’t have to kill a bunch of people we don’t like, which is a shame.”
“Personally,” said David Cameron personally, “I think it’s an insane idea promoted by a fear led, hateful campaign by a bunch of uncivilised, uncompassionate lunatics. We need to remain in the EU or else children’s eyes will explode and everyone’s genitals will either fall off or seal up. The nonsensical rhetoric being driven by those inhuman Leave monsters is idiotic and the entire nation’s ire should be directed at them and throwing rocks at them. If we remain in the EU, we will have to work harder to battle the legislation that protects rights and equalities and unions and all this useful stuff, and we like a challenge. We’ll still get rid of it, it’ll just be harder. We also wouldn’t be able to torture the poor, infirm, imprisoned, disabled or just in-the-wrong-place-at-the-wrong-time unfortunates because of the European Convention on Human Rights, which is also a tragic side effect of staying in this community because we all make an awful lot of money from it. Never mind how we would distract the populace with nonsensical immigration issues to hide the truly abhorrent stuff we’re doing to decimate the infrastructure of an entire nation and turn it into nothing but a bloated, inefficient cash cow.”
It’s clearly a contentious issue, but one must wonder whether in all the verbal fencing, jibes and comments and infighting, one must wonder if the megalomaniacs on both sides have considered what the right outcome for the majority of the people is. I mean, this is a nation that voted for David Cameron as Prime Minister, maybe we shouldn’t trust their judgement, brother.