Sachin Tendulkar Uses Divine Magic to Deny Alistair Cook Record

by Willow Leathers

Despite his retirement the cricket world has never really been given an opportunity to get over their awe for Little Master, Sachin Tendulkar. One of the finest cricketers ever to walk this Earth, as well as being a divine entity of enormous, indeed near limitless power and in possession of the legendary Golden Underpants, Sachin continues to amaze us.

Yesterday, seemingly set against Sri Lanka and ready to become the youngest ever batsman to reach 10,000 test runs, a record currently held by the Indian wizard,  England captain Alistair Cook was apparently overcome with some divine elation and played a rubbish shot to nothing that was caught by Chandimal. Tendulkar’s record remained.

Speculation abounded as to how Cook allowed himself to be so poor and get out for only 16 runs, in England’s first test of the summer. There are suggestions that nerves and responsibility weigh heavy on the talented batsman. But Terminal Context has exclusive evidence that the agent behind his demise was none other than Sachin himself.

The divine genius is currently working in the Indian Premier League T20 organisation, helping coach his beloved Mumbai Indians team. However, his omniscience and omnipotence allowed him to quickly and remotely manipulate the physics of the ball to ensure Cook was out before reaching his record. Analysts working with the Hawkeye system have sent me the metrics for that balls and something does, indeed, appear off about it.

Given that Cook has around three or four months left to reach the record, and remains only a handful of runs behind Tendulkar, we should probably expect the record to fall. But the Little Master will forever remain the giant of the game, and divine majesty for eternity.

All hail Sachin the Great, his Bats of Might and Majesty and his Holy Golden Underpants.

UPDATE: With Sri Lanka following on the second test, and Alistair Cook still being 5 runs short of the record, it seems Tendulkar has his magic working overdrive!

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