by Professor Lord Lord – Chief Science Writer
Scientists today have reported the discovery of a new kind of black hole at the Clinton residences. Although these are terrestrial and not in space, they too are usually at the centre of an establishment, whether that be the Milky Way or US politics, and are equally full of shit.
Initially physicists were puzzled at how a black hole could be so small and yet maintain itself for so long, since celestial black holes depend on a constant flow of very large amounts of mass. They have theorised that these new kinds of black holes are instead fed by a constant flow of lies, based on the truthfulness and honesty of such statements as “I did not have sexual relations with that woman” and “There is no classified material on my server”.
Despite the name, normal black holes are actually quite visible; as they consume the matter around them, they emit very bright X-rays. Physicists have been searching for an equivalent phenomenon in these new small black holes, and a team at the University of Mudford Sock thinks they might just have found one.
“Just as normal black holes radiate lots of energy, we think these new black holes might be radiating honesty,” said Dr. Brain Brian, a theoretical physicist working on the team. “I don’t know, something to do with the conservation of truthiness, we still haven’t worked the maths out,” before turning his back to your correspondent and scribbling hideously difficult equations.
If Brain’s hypothesis is correct, these black holes might serve a purpose by allowing politicians to lie and conveniently have evidence go “missing” while also giving them an aura of trustworthiness. Physicists are still working on explaining the origin of these new black holes, but when your correspondent last tried to contact someone researching this strange phenomenon, they explained that the maths involved was so complex it had actually become self-aware, before hanging up the phone to chase a stray integral running around the office.
Scientists predict that most politicians should have one and are setting up surveys in multiple countries. Whether hidden in a corner, on a shelf or somewhere under Donald Trump’s hair, they are confident of finding them.
UPDATE: Representatives of the Clintons have been in touch with Terminal Context to suggest that positive or negative interpretation of Professor Lord’s article depend very much upon what the definition of ‘is’ is. They therefore ask you re-read it with a differing definition of ‘is’.